An open letter to Britain, Thames Television, the ghost of Alfred Hawthorn Hill and his estate, A&E Home Video, and the lost art of the under crank:

Dear Britain, etc.:
Hey guys. What’s up? My name is John H. Felix. You might not know me, but I write things for the Internet. You can find me at such websites as DVDInMyPants.com, DVDInMyPants.com, and DVDInMyPants.com. I have decided to write this note to ask you a question that’s been stirring in my head ever since I received your DVD box set, volume five of Benny Hill: Complete And Unadulterated.

The most important question, in fact, the only real question I have on my mind is simple: when you, The United Kingdom, as a people, look back on your rich history of comedy, do you see The Benny Hill Show as a national treasure, or do you see something embarrassing, archaic and quite possibly the nearest thing white people have ever achieved to a minstrel show? Okay, I’m sorry – that might be a slight exaggeration on my part. I don’t want to give off the idea that I’m some highbrow critic writing for the daily stuff-ass, what I’m asking is an honest question. Benny Hill: national treasure, or cultural embarrassment?

Maybe The Benny Hill Show just isn’t aimed at my demographic. Being under seventy years of age, my familiarity with the show stems from postmodern parody; young people of today are more familiar with Benny Hill as an anti-joke of sorts. Shows like Family Guy, or even The Daily Show are quick to pull out “Yackety Sax” in order to get a cheap laugh out of something seen as outdated. Not surprisingly, even a joke about a stale joke eventually went on to become… Well… A stale joke. Not to worry though, it’s just a matter of time before it wraps around and becomes a fresh joke about overusing a stale joke about overusing a dead joke – Christ, my head hurts.

So I put Benny Hill: Complete And Unadulterated – Vol. 5 into my DVD player with all the pent-up aggression of a rebellious 8th grader. “Come on, you bastard,” I said, “I dare you to prove to me that you’re something better than what they all say. Make. Me. Giggle.” After a single forty-minute episode, my eyes grew weary and my tears ran ice cold. Dear God, it’s exactly what they all said it was going to be.

The Benny Hill Show is not a completely dreadful show, no. Even I have to admit that, while the show might be the very definition of comedy hackery, it’s that way for a good reason: Benny Hill damn well perfected the art of hackery with his combination of musical numbers, sped-up (sped as in fast, not retarded… though some would argue) slapstick, and some of the worst (or best) puns you’ve ever heard.

But I’m a lover of horrific puns. When Benny Hill blurts out something like “Women are like pianos, when they’re not upright, they’re grand,” I’ll smile for about 30 minutes straight. But the quick one-liners come few and far between, for Hill relies mostly on inane, lengthy slapstick comedy bits. While seven minutes seems like an average time for a sketch, I was feeling every second of those seven when I realized an entire bit can be dedicated to misinterpreting accents, or using a remote control to pause real life - slightly amusing for thirty seconds, an eternity beyond those thirty seconds. My “enjoyment” (rather apathy) was gauged by how many sketches there were in the episode; if there were a dozen chapter stops, indicating twelve comedy bits, I was thankful for the guaranteed brevity. But when I got to disc 3, where every episode had 9 or less sketches per episode, I was ready to claw my eyeballs fresh out of their sockets by the halfway mark.

Another head-scratcher is the addition of the Hill’s Angels’, a group of young women who spend their time singing, dancing and generally showing off enough T&A to satisfy the viewing audience. Does it add anything to the show? About as much as the musical numbers in The Marx Brothers’ MGM films. So no, not at all.

My guess is that the blame can be placed on Hill himself: with complete creative control over every aspect of the show, along with the sole writing credit, perhaps somebody should have stepped in and suggested Hill reel it in a bit. But no one did. And you have no one to blame but yourself, England. Everybody thank England for what they did to the world: Thanks, England.

So, After All That, Let’s Take A Moment To Talk About The DVD Quality
What seemed to be normal up until recent years, The Benny Hill Show has been shot on a combination of video, and film for outdoors scenes. In fact England, I never did understand why this seemed to be the standard. Anyway, there are many problems with this transfer – mostly due to tape glitches and even weird, unexplained bugs that show up in the top-right frame of the picture. Is this due to the original masters? I can’t tell, since A&E hasn’t provided an explanation for these problems, though the glitches usually only appear a few frames at a time and aren’t horribly distracting.

The audio fares better, though I didn’t expect much at all. The biggest problem with The Benny Hill Show is an over appreciative audience, which both bursts into laughter at the drop of a hat (a dog barks – the audience roars), and guffaws so hard it obscures the dialogue. But I can’t complain about this fact, all I can to is wish death upon the very existence of the laugh track.

Dear A&E: Gimmie Some Extras!
Not expecting much and getting just that, this DVD comes with a twelve-minute featurette titled Hill’s Angels: Off The Record, which covers the history of the lovely ladies included in the show, and they all repeat the same thing: Benny Hill was a nice guy, and the show is still funny and popular after all these years. I question both of these sentiments.

Also included is The Benny Hill Cheeky Challenge, a multiple-choice quiz that rewards or punishes you with short clips from the show depending on the answer you choose. I got seven out of fifteen correct as the result of random choosing.

Dear Reader(s):
I am nearly speechless after watching approximately seven-and-a-half hours worth of The Benny Hill Show. If you’re a fan of the show, I’m assuming this is the best you’re going to get: each episode is presented fully uncut for the first time in America, and therefore holds some sort of value for those who have been thinking of purchasing this set. But if you’re not familiar with the show, tune into BBC America and watch an episode or two before deciding to dedicate hours of your time to bawdy, drawn-out humor. There’s nothing wrong with childish humor at all – even I enjoy the occasional nut-punch on Jackass, but The Benny Hill Show: Complete and Unadulterated, Volume 5 was an endurance test for me. Well, I’m running out of room to write, so I guess I’ll see you later. Give my love to the kids.

Sincerely,
John H. Felix