So I bought it.

Yes, I bought it.

I paid money for this turkey!

I am so writing this off on next year’s taxes under “Utterly Idiotic Investments”.

After watching the Pilot Episode, it’s easy to see why Bionic Woman was canceled: the writing is bad, the acting is worse, and the producer must surely have been hopped up on cocaine to think that this series could have been the next big hit.  One can only envision how that conversation must have gone down…

Coked-Up Producer: Alright man, wha’cha got for me?

Uninspired Writer: It’s a thoroughly unoriginal and entirely lame re-envisioning of The Bionic Woman.

Coked-Up Producer: The Bionic Woman?  Hmm, never heard of it.  One of those foreign films?

Uninspired Writer: No.  The late 70s show?  With Lindsay Wagner?

Coked-Up Producer: Nope.  Sorry.  Must’ve been before my time.  I’m more of the Saved By The Bell: The New Class generation.  So please, continue.

Uninspired Writer: Well this girl, Jamie Sommers, she gets into an accident you see?  And this secret private clandestine black-op government agency replaces her legs, arm, eye, and ear with bionic parts.

Coked-Up Producer: And?

Uninspired Writer: And she goes around, saving the free world and stuff.

(long pause)

Coked-Up Producer: I like it.

Uninspired Writer: Really?

Coked-Up Producer: Yeah… here, have some coke!

(gratuitous drug scene omitted)

Coked-Up Producer: So man, this sounds great and all, but we need to spruce it up a bit, you know?  Let’s give Tammy--

Uninspired Writer: Jamie.

Coked-Up Producer: Whatever.  Let’s give her a technology-savvy kid sister she can play nursemaid to and who can call and bug her in the middle of tense situations - completely ruining any drama that we might have built-up before then!

Uninspired Writer: Wow, I’m impressed!

Coked-Up Producer: Well, you don’t get to my level of superiority at the age of twenty-four without some serious talent, let me tell ya!

Uninspired Writer: Wow, that’s great! And then there’s her watcher: Jonas.  The head of the government agency.  Sinister.  Shady.  Scrupulous.

Coked-Up Producer: Oooh, well there’s only one man who can fit the bill there!  A man of such awesome, raw, and untapped talent that he will just ooze charisma.  Someone who can deliver his lines like a pro and look totally, effectively, and convincingly bored the whole time: Miguel Ferrer!

Uninspired Writer: Damn, you’re good!

Coked-Up Producer: No, you’re good! 

Uninspired Writer: But between Miguel and the production costs, will we have enough money for the professionals that make up rest of the cast and crew?  And what about the special effects?

Coked-Up Producer: Who said anything about hiring professionals, man?  This is Hollywood TV we’re talking about!  We’re going to hire the absolute worst men and women we can find!  People that couldn’t convince God that they were human!  And don’t worry about the special effects, my cousin just bought a new laptop with Vista Ultimate!  Why, with my expertise and your groundbreaking story treatment, we shall develop an asinine series that will inspire millions of people around the world to trim their toenails!

And so on and so forth.

So what else can I say about a series in which a laughably serious Molly Price shouts “Drop the toothbrush! Put your hands on your head!”?  Actually, I think that line should cover it.

Oh, and whoever told Katee Sackhoff she could act was lying.

Presentation
Universal Studios’ 2-Disc set of Bionic Woman Season One, Volume One brings us the first eight inane episodes from the short-lived series.  From an Audio/Video stance, it’s about as good as one can expect from Universal: the 1.78:1 anamorphic picture is very clear and the colors are really solid-looking and the English Dolby Digital 5.1 soundtrack comes through quite nicely.  Caption-wise, we have English (SDH) and Spanish subtitles.

Extras
Disc One includes an Audio Commentary for the Pilot Episode with Executive Producer David Eick.  Did I listen to it?  No.  Why should I?

Disc Two contains several Featurettes - The Making Of Car Crash (1:57), The Stunts (2:49), and Real Life Bionics (2:01) - as well as some Profiles for Michelle Ryan (1:53), Katee Sackhoff (1:40), Miguel Ferrer (1:46), and David Eick (2:09).  All of these Featurettes are nothing more than fodder and were made to promote the show on the air and on the ‘Net.

Before the Main Menu on Disc One loads, you can choose to skip some Promos for Battlestar Galactica remake (Sackhoff’s claim to fame… Dirk Benedict owns your ass, bitch!); the Law & Order series; Crossing Jordan; Life (which I had never even heard of before witnessing the easily forgettable bumper); and (ha, ha) a push for HD-DVD (snicker, chuckle, guffaw, giggle).  Also on Disc One are Sneak Peeks for several older and/or better series from the Universal library.

The Bottom Line
Very little mystery remains as to why there was a Writers Strike in 2007 when there was this kind of shit hitting the airwaves.