…

Oh, wait… I was supposed to take this movie seriously?  Oh my…

If one were to try to describe Half Past Dead in seven words, those seven words would be “Just as inept as the title suggests.”  Now, let’s talk about that title for a second: for example… what the fuck kind of name is that?  Turns out the script had been written about ten years earlier with the moniker “The Rock”, but a certain Michael Bay film with the same name received a greenlight before this one.  So, rather than going through the joys of making the film then and there and have it referred to as a very cheesy knockoff of The Rock, somebody opted to wait about a decade or so, steal a rather poorly written line from the movie for the new title, and create a very belated cheesy knockoff of The Rock with portions of Die Hard and Assault On Precinct 13 thrown in instead.

Everything about this movie is utterly hilarious!  First off, we have half past dead action star Steven Seagal (in yet another desperate attempt to make a comeback) as an undercover agent at the remarkably laidback penitentiary of New Alcatraz (which is supposed to be the same island with a new high-tech upgrade but in actuality it’s a stage in Berlin) who gets more than he bargained for when Morris Chestnut and the Time break in (via stock footage) to coerce a man about to be executed into telling them where he hid the $200-million in gold brick he stole way back when.  What do the rest of the inmates do while this is happening?  They play basketball first, of course - then they help!

Ja Rule, the homophobic rapper with a singular facial expression that makes him look like he’s deaf and dumb, takes on the most challenging role of his short-lived career as a pissant little thug whom we’re supposed to root for.  He’s joined by the equally butt-ugly rapper Kurupt as a guy named Twitch.  The casting of these two great cultural icons was no doubt an effort to get the young urbanites into the theaters (not to mention it was the thing to do with Seagal films at the time).

Nia Peebles hams it up as the bad-ass chick (she did some of her own martial arts moves, too) with an abundance of unflattering blue eye-shadow who tries way too hard to be sexy and evil (but to no avail).

Stephen J. Cannell (yes, the big-shot TV writer/producer of “The A-Team” and “The Greatest American Hero”, among many others) has a part in the film.

Stockard Channing clone Claudia Christian plays an FBI agent.

Tony Plana (Jefe?) plays the tough-talking bilingual warden whose no-nonsense method of maintaining discipline is to give the occupants of his single-person cells Playstation games and let them paint graffiti all along the cellblock wall.

The film was given a PG-13 rating, so the word “fuck” was removed out of the hardcore gangsta-rapper soundtrack, making it sound even more ridiculous than it already does… yet all of the violence is left in for all of the adolescents to marvel over.

In keeping up with the rest of Seagal’s cinematic legacy, his character has a dead wife whom he still mourns (let it go, Steven, let it go!), yet he has no problem driving recklessly with a passenger in his car.

Yeah, it’s bad, but it’s a lot better than the direct-to-video SEQUEL, Half Past Dead 2 with Bill Goldberg!

Presentation
I’m afraid the reasoning behind this is beyond me, but nevertheless Half Past Dead makes its debut on Blu-ray with a rather good-looking 1080p 1.85:1 transfer.  The canned gunshot sounds that occur every time you scroll around on the menu and the tire screeching that occurs every time you make a selection is particularly annoying and tries your patience after only the first time.

While were on the subject of annoying, I’d like to point out that the English Dolby TrueHD 5.1 track sucks.  Really.  So long as it’s an action sequence, it’s OK, but during those moments where the onscreen characters talk, it sounds about as empty as a bottle of scotch at a golf tourney for physicians.  French and Portuguese TrueHD 5.1 audio selections are also available as well as a Spanish Dolby Digital 5.1 (all three of which sound better than the English).  Subtitles are provided in English, English (SDH), French, Spanish, Portuguese, Chinese (Simplified), Chinese (Traditional), Korean, and Thai.

Extras
Why is it the truly crappy films always seem to have more Special Features than the good ones?  Half Past Dead’s Bonus section contains mostly reused Extras from the original DVD release and start off with an Audio Commentary (who obviously thinks he made a real movie, the poor dumb clod) with writer/director Don Michael Paul (this commentary is positively side-splitting and both defines “ass-kissing” while epitomizing “pathetic” at the same time - I‘ll give Paul credit for Harley Davidson And The Marlboro Man, though, but that‘s it!).  Next up are a couple of Deleted Scenes (3:31) - I’m sure few people will argue the whole film should have been left on the cutting room floor - followed by The Making Of Half Past Dead (13:17) Featurette.

Lastly on the disc is the original Theatrical Trailer (2:24) and a few other Previews: the standard-issue Blu-Ray Promo, Men In Black, and that 30th Anniversary Ultimate Mega Super Collector’s Director’s Über Fab-A-Roo Edition of Close Encounters Of The Third Kind. 

The only New-To-Blu-ray Bonus is a BD Live feature.  Hoorah.  I guess.

The Bottom Line
Make sure you listen to the Audio Commentary.  Don Michael Paul will have you rolling in the aisles.