Ice Hockey. Two words that seem to send Americans running for the door faster than you can say “nude photos of Kathy Bates.” This team sport, which has a long and glorious history in the United States, can’t seem to catch a break. Granted, the sport has done itself few favors to ingratiate itself with the masses, the recent strike/lockout being no exception. At least hockey has some sort of niche appeal, unlike soccer, which is only attended by a handful of European immigrants and the reviled beast known as “soccer mom.” Yet, the push continues to make Americans understand and even love the sport.

In honor of this year’s NHL Playoffs, I am compiling another of ’ famous “Best Of” lists. To honor the NHL’s “Original Six” teams, I give you’ Top Six Hockey Movies!

Oh fuck, who am I kidding? I couldn’t find 10 hockey movies in total, let alone 10 good ones. Six is it, bub.

#6 Sudden Death (1995)
OK, fine… it’s not a hockey movie per se. Sudden Death was a vehicle for Jean Claude Van Damme, The Muscles From Brussels, who never quite became a huge star (not for lack of trying.) Sudden Death came out in the era of Die Hard clones, where every action movie was pitched as “Die Hard in a…” This movie was “Die Hard in an arena during the Stanley Cup Playoffs.” As with every cookie-cutter DieHard rip-off… uhhh, homage, this one hit all the points. Let’s face it. It’s not a good movie. In the era of unintelligible “action heroes,” Van Damme lacked the physique of Schwarzenegger, the “average Joe” quality of Stallone, and the inscrutable appeal of Steven Segal. All he could do was that freaky split thing. For me, the plus side of Sudden Death is that it features my hometown of Pittsburgh, my beloved Penguins, their home arena (nicknamed “The Igloo”), and Hall Of Fame announcer Mike Lang. Plus, Van Damme beats up the Penguins’ costumed mascot! For a little more “everyone appeal,” Powers Boothe, while obviously slumming, delivers another perfect performance. Rumor has it that our very own Lex M. is an extra in this. A free DIMP T-shirt to the first person to send in a screen grab of him.

#5 The Mighty Ducks (1992)
While we’re in the realm of rip-offs, what did The Mighty Ducks have that The Bad News Bears didn’t have already? Ragtag bunch of misfit kids who are laughingstocks among the rest of the league? Check. Disgruntled, failed adult forced to coach? Check. The misunderstood ringer kid who helps to turn things around? Check. The chick that is as good, or better than, the boys on the team? Check. Fat kid? Check. Vastly improved uniforms before the movie ends? Check. Evil opposing coach? Check. A team that finally gels behind their coach who is inspired by them, leading to a run for the championship? Check. I could go on and on here. Really. This is THE SAME MOVIE. Does it matter? No, because the formula works. This film was conceived in the corporate cauldron called “synergy.” Disney was looking to acquire professional sports teams to bolster their new purchase, ESPN. Using established concepts and titles, they worked to launch their own brand. The Bears template allowed them to sell young America on their new NHL team, The Mighty Ducks. Nice. In a similar move, their remake of Angels In The Outfield was prompted by their acquisition of the Anaheim Angels. Like The Bad News Bears, two sequels followed that are best left ignored.

#4 Youngblood (1986)
Rob Lowe and Patrick Swayze at their matinee-idol best. The hockey action brings in the guys, while the oiled, oft-shirtless boys bring in all the hormonal teen girls. Youngblood is all empty-calorie goodness as we watch pretty-boy Lowe learn how to be more than just a pure skater and get down with the fists through the tough love tutelage of his washed-up older brother Swayze. The film holds up pretty well, especially considering that the mullet has never gone out of style in the hockey world. Fun bonus: Keanu Reeves in his first film role! It’s a veritable buffet table of questionable sexuality.

#3 Mystery, Alaska (1999)
Here is a bullshit concept that continues to pop up around sports movies: Local semi-pro team gets a shot at the premiere professional team. In this case, a pond hockey team in Alaska takes on the New York Rangers. The film manages to construct something just plausible enough for you to swallow it … and along the way, is a great showcase for a pile of entertaining character actors. Oh yeah, the always awesome, pre-superstar Russell Crowe is actually believable as a great hockey player. Mystery, Alaska is a product of hockey fan David E. Kelly (Boston Legal, Picket Fences, Ally McBeal) and if you are familiar with any of his TV work, you will recognize his eye for quirky characters. Come for the Crowe, but most certainly stay for the Burt Reynolds, Ron Eldard, and Hank Azaria.

#2 Miracle (2004)
You already know how this movie ends: The underdog US Olympic Hockey Team shocks the world by defeating the powerhouse Soviet Union team in the 1980 Winter Olympics to eventually win the gold. Nearly every American over the age of 30 knows this tale and, hockey fan or not, holds it as one of the greatest sporting moments in history. Beyond that most Hollywood ending is a real story, a story that doesn’t need to be colored or mythologized. It is the classic American tale of hard work, guts, and a little luck allowing for greatness. Kurt Russell fully embodies team architect and head coach Herb Brooks as he crafts this team of college kids, through pure force of will, into a force that will eventually stand up to and defeat the Soviet team of veterans. The choice of the filmmakers to use hockey players who were taught to act (instead of the other way around) along with exciting, innovative on-ice camera work leads to some of the best hockey action ever captured on film. Yeah, you know the ending, but this film is all about the journey.

#1 Slap Shot (1977)
Not just the greatest hockey movie, but one of the best sports films ever. Jim Bouton’s groundbreaking book Ball Four not only resonated through professional baseball; it shook the entire sporting world. For the first time, the gloss was stripped from the sport, and the glorified titans were shown to be the flawed human beings that they were. Hollywood long ago showed the seedy underside of boxing, but it wasn’t until Ball Four that all sports became fair game. From that point on, we saw all sorts of films like North Dallas Forty, Semi Tough, The Longest Yard, and especially Slap Shot. In Slap Shot, we find Paul Newman as the over-the-hill player/coach who has to find a way for his failing team to sell tickets and start winning some games. His solution: Pure thuggery. Newman's minor league Johnstown Chiefs becomes a goon-squad, with additions like the man-children Hanson Brothers, the team finds success. While this concept could easily go right into farce, the film has just the right balance of grit and reality to ground it into a not-so-fanciful, pretty authentic portrayal of the sport. Slap Shot will not only remind you of the joy of hockey, it shows you what it takes to be a great sports movie. Rent/Buy this movie now. If it comes packaged with that abortion of a sequel, at least you have a coaster to set your beer on as you enjoy this classic.

And there you have it... my version of the best hockey movies ever made. I certainly can throw in honorable mentions like Happy Gilmore, Cutting Edge, Strange Brew, and some other films with a hockey connection... some even stronger than Sudden Death. For those that want to argue the inclusion of that title, I say "Go Penguins!!!"