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In this corner wearing slime, ooze, and general yuckiness, hailing from the twisted mind of some loopy German and weighing in at what I am sure to be quite a bit… The Smiling Scourge from Outer Space: THE ALIEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNN!!!!!
And in this corner, wearing what appears to be fishnet stockings and a toaster on his head. He has a penchant for warm places, Rasta music and ripping out your spine… THE PRE-DA-TOOOOORRR!!!
 A team of hand-picked specialists who aren’t even interesting enough to be in a John Grisham novel get shipped to Antarctica because a super-duper rich guy (Lance Henriksen) discovered an ancient pyramid, that might very well be the key to all civilization, buried faaaaaaar below the ice. It’s a damned good thing these characters get little to no development for wouldn’t you know it; they soon find themselves elbows to assholes in Aliens and Predators. Apparently the Predators are participating in a rite of passage-type hunt and they no longer have any problems with the cold even though it was established in two other films that they only hunt in areas of extreme heat. The Aliens have been put on cold storage so the Preds have something to hunt and their egg gestation periods have been dramatically shortened to a few minutes even though it has been established that it takes much longer. The specialists get picked off one by one, and it’s up to a headstrong expedition leader/tour guide (Sanna Lathan) to get her people out alive.
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I wish I were kidding.
Yessiree, folks, this certainly had all the ear markings of the Fight Of The Century. A no-holds-barred steel cage match of dork-ian proportions. So, obviously, the studio would give the green light to a director (Paul W. S. Anderson) who gets little to no respect and is pretty much known throughout the industry as a hack. What? Was Brett Ratner busy? To say that Alien Vs Predator was a missed opportunity is like saying Hunter S. Thompson did some drugs. The entire… ahem… AVP concept was already taken advantage of years before in the realm of comic books, novels and video games so there certainly was a wealth of stories to properly rip off, I mean, be inspired by. So how did this go so utterly wrong? Just because it was a “________ Vs. ________” movie means that it had to contain the same amount of imagination as King Kong Vs Godzilla? Actually, KKVG was a much better movie, wasn’t it? But you know what I mean. When you get a movie that goes all slo-mo freeze frame on a facehugger before it attacks, I think it’s painfully obvious the point has been missed.
 Forget the plot holes and forget the effects. The only way for a pick-em-off movie like this to work is to establish the characters, of which this movie is in complete disregard. If you don’t connect with the characters then there is no reason to feel any sense of tension when their time comes. No feeling of loss. Any dummy knows that. As a matter of fact, the only moment of true character development consisted of the following exchange that went a little something like this:
Guy #1: Do you have kids.
Guy #2: Yeah.
Guy #3: What was that?
Guy #1 or Guy #2: AUGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
I wish I werd kidding.
I could rag on the nigh-impossible concept that the hieroglyphics were alternately from different known societies and not an amalgamation of concepts in each symbol. I could also make a big stink at how doofy and bulky the WWE Predators were or how phallic their blades became. I could also point out how damned silly it was that the Preds had to get to the middle of the pyramid where their guns were stored but had EVERY OTHER KIND OF DAMNED WEAPONS AT THEIR DISPOSAL. I could whine at the PG-13 rating. No. That’s just too easy. My big gripe is that this movie perpetuates a feeling that has always existed in the movie making community. A lack of respect for the audience and an assumption that only the dumb and shiny make money. My gripe is all the more painful when it dawns on me that AVP was the highest grossing film from both of the franchises involved.
I wish I were kidding.
How's It Look, Smartguy?
Presented in 2.35:1 anamorphic, this transfer at least is very nice. Blacks are black, details are sharp and clear and I noticed no artifacting or haloing. If the movie was any good I’d pick this up just for the eye candy aspect, but even that is not enough, I’m afraid.
How's It Sound, Ya Bum?
This comes with a 5.1 Dolby Digital track as well as a 5.1 DTS track. Sound is a very important element, and great care went into mastering this for a DVD release. It shows. All channels are mixed at the appropriate levels. WHY I ask you WHY!!!??
There is also a chance to experience the pain in French Dolby Surround 2.0 and Spanish Dolby Surround 2.0. It’s like an Epcot of crap.
You Think I Just Wanted The Movie, Pal?
There are two commentary tracks on this DVD. The first is by director Anderson, actor Henriksen, and actor Lathan. I made it a whole 20 minutes into this track until I could no longer take how much Henriksen was marveling at what a “great” movie Anderson made. He’s a cool actor who we all dig seeing but CHRIST!!! Cut it out already. The second track is by special effects fellas Alec Gillis, Tom Woodruff, Jr., and John Bruno. I didn’t listen to it.
Next up, deleted scenes that don’t add much being just over 2 minutes total. No revelations here.
A “making of” featurette entitled The Making of Alien Vs. Predator. This was like, 23 minutes long. I hated the movie. Why the FUCK would I sit through this? Are you NUTS!!??
A FOX Superbowl Promo and a gallery of Dark Horse Comic Covers finish up the extras. Those covers were the most interesting bit there. Seriously.
Tossed on is a FOX promo called Inside Look, which is a bunch of featurettes for other FOX movies that they assume anyone who bought this movie would be interested in.
As an added “bonus…” you’ll find a choice of viewing an Extended Version of the film that adds over a minute to the very start of the film. This scene involves a pivotal moment where a whaler is hunted down and killed in 1904. It really makes the movie that much more interesting. Yup. It really does. The movie is a completely different experience. Why they ever cut it is beyond me. You bet. The killing of the whaler should never have been dropped. I see it all through a different perspective now. Thank you. Thank you Paul W.S. Anderson for adding the scene where the whaler got snuffed.
Bring Us On Home, Brother
A big ol’ spit in the face for fans of both franchises, this movie respects its audience about as much as a woman named “Sexx_G_Oddess” has for some dolt paying $3.99 a minute to yank one off to her removing her bra. However, due to the success of this film in comparison to the other films in the franchises as well its profit-to-budget ratio, expect more of the same in the future.
I wish I were kidding.
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