The word "dumb" would probably suffice.

However, I, being the Windbag of the Written Word that I quite often tend to be, am completely unable to let the description of an incompetent motion picture like Cannibal Terror go at just "dumb".

Something like "Really dumb" would fare far more closely to hitting the analogical hammer on the nail… but it still isn’t good enough for me.

Maybe "Really terribly awfully dumb"? Nah.

From that initial portentous moment in which Cannibal Terror establishes itself as a legitimate excuse for an attempt to provide a bastard entry into the Cannibal Movie Genre, a feeling of ineptitude overwhelms the hapless individual that has been finagled into gazing upon the movie’s desensitized, hypnotic eyes.

Since every Italian and his brother had turned the once taboo subject of cannibalism into a profitable field during the late 70s, it was a foregone conclusion that other countries (and their respective filmmakers) would try to muzzle in on their turf.

Countries like France.

Now, I like the French… I really do… and I love a lot of their movies… honest… but Cannibal Terror is such an outrageously bungled, botched surgical operation of a flick that it makes Jesus Franco’s Oasis Of The Zombies look like Ken Wiederhorn’s Shock Waves in comparison (incidentally, Franco is said to have been an uncredited writer for this film and both movies were produced by the same production company, Eurociné).

"Really terribly awfully frickin’ dumb."

The plot (I know, there isn’t one) concerns a group of moronic kidnappers snatching up the young daughter of a high-society couple (the mother allows the girl to run out in the street unattended while she receives a budget manicure while the father - who speaks to the kid on the phone with a paper puppet cat - looks and acts like the French equivalent of Merv Griffin). From there, they head to… somewhere… right on the border of cannibal country (well, somebody’s back yard).

I’m sure you can imagine what happens next.

"Really terribly awfully frickin’ dumb and annoying."

Actually, nothing happens next. Nothing but long, drawn-out scenes of people doing stuff: a woman with a huge face drives the kidnappers into cannibal country via a jeep… and is promptly abducted and eaten by the man-eaters (the others hop in the vehicle and take off). Another woman takes a bath in some very cold water, is raped by one of the villains… and is next seen dancing provocatively towards him in the next scene (the editor was probably stoned out of his feeble mind). Merv Griffin and wife somehow know where their child is and show up, forcing the bad guys to run into the anxious arms of the local anthropophagi… and before you know it, you’ve wasted an entire hour-and-a-half that you will never get back.

I have to hand it to the savages in this film, though… they really aren’t all that uncivilized: they’re very clean, not in the least bit camera shy, have their own Classic Rock‘N‘Roll-inspired hairstylist (not to mention male-pattern baldness), and are pretty damn white to boot! Why, they’re not at all like I expected them to look! Some of them have even figured out how to make surprisingly modern underwear!

"Really terribly awfully frickin’ dumb and annoying… and yet, funny at the same time."

I’m sure things would probably have worked out fine and dandy for everybody involved in this film if nobody showed up for the two days it undoubtedly took to film it.

Good clean fun for the whole family.

Presentation
Severin’s commitment to preserving sleaze like Cannibal Terror never ceases to boggle the mind: aside from the credit sequence and stock footage, the picture here looks positively beautiful for a 27-year-old film that was never meant to inspire any sort of awe from a visual point of view (or any other point of view for that matter). The Mono Stereo English dubbed sound is a laugh riot, and could very well have you rolling on the floor periodically (so be careful what you eat and drink while watching it).

Extras
Usually, you’re lucky to get just a Trailer with a movie like this. Well, you do this time around, too… but good ol’ Severin has also thrown in a "Spicy Deleted Scene" (1:25) of co-star Pamela Stanford (no stranger to Eurotrash films) during her post-rape party sequence taking her dress off and proudly displaying every inch of her pink panties (needless to say, the entire disc is worth it for this bit alone). This oddly-excluded snippet of footage only goes to furthermy theory that the editor assembled that whole sequence incorrectly. The Theatrical Trailer (3:26) is a great way of watching the film in 1/30th of the time and the weird narration tacked on only adds to the fun.

The Bottom Line
Take a very large, very dead crayfish. Next, allow it to die. Then, set it upon a hot boulder in a solution of sour milk, yak urine, and translucent mayonnaise directly under the blazing desert sun on the hottest day of the year until the god-awful stench is enough to keep even the flies away.

Et voila: Terreur Cannibale, "Really terribly awfully frickin’ dumb and annoying… and yet, disgustingly funny at the same time."

Enjoy.