I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’m a misogynist (I mean, really, I like massage, I really do) or that I’m a bit of a chauvinist (because I’m not that great of a driver, so I couldn’t possibly chauffer anybody about), but dammit all, I really hate those drama queen bimbo bitch whores -- not just because I’ve dated one or two -- but because they make life difficult for all of the truly good women in this world.

“What? I don’t need brains if I get a boob-job? Like, wow, how totally cool is that? What? I can get even farther with nothing if I give a blow-job? How totally super!” -- such is the state of womanhood, according to the writers of The House Bunny, that is.

The House Bunny reunites writers Karen McCullah Lutz (to rhyme with yutz) and Kirsten Smith (Kirsten, not Kristen… and you know damn well that whenever Kirsten has to correct someone on the proper enunciation of her name, there’s a scoff that precedes it). Now, I know those names mean nothing to you -- nor should they -- and, just so we’re clear, they’re the same two girls that brought us Legally Blonde, another crushing blow for feminism that ranks right up there with that fucking “Redneck Woman” country song.

Anna Faris (whom I once had an inkling of respect for) co-produces and stars in this nauseating college sorority flick (that shares the same story as all of the other college sorority flicks… which, in turn, took their cues from college fraternity flicks) as a Playboy Bunny named Shelly, whose IQ is slightly greater than her waist size. One fateful day, Shelly is asked to leave the Playboy Mansion by Hugh Hefner (as himself -- wait, this can’t be the Playboy Mansion… there are actual non-blonde women around… and anyone that’s ever picked up an issue of Playboy knows full well that Hugh Hefner’s taste in girls is that of an Aryan one). Alone in the world with an old clunker of an automobile, the busty slutty Shelly soonfinds herself as the fill-in housemother of a failing sorority that is about to loose its home due to the fact that all of its members are… ready for this?… average! Yes, we all know that a woman truly can not be a woman in this world unless she is as vain and as self-conscious as she can possibly be: she must spend more time than humanly possible applying layers and layers of makeup to hide that blemish between her ass cheeks; she has to over-emote over, well… everything; she must assert herself that Abercrombie and Fitch is the budget clothing line; and, above all, she should utter the expression “Let’s go clubbing!” to sound like “Let’s go be whores!” Oh, and she should really be white, too… preferably blonde (I noticed, what, two women in this entire film that weren’t white?).

In case you can’t guess where the half-scripted story is going, Shelly befriends the normal, everyday outcast girls -- played by Lindsay Lohan’s double Emma Stone; Hilary Duff’s double Kat Dennings; karaoke champion Katharine McPhee; the alarmingly large-jawed Rumer Willis; the token black girl Kiely Williams; and a few others not really at all worth mentioning -- and manages to turn them into vain, self-conscious, drama queen bimbo bitch whores… which, once they realize what they’ve become, throw Shelly out, who returns to the Playboy Mansion when she finds out her ousting was the work of an imposter and not the work of the lovable old Hugh Hefner (who looks like he’s recovered from his embalming quite well, the poor guy), and then they all come together to save their Zeta house at the end, blah, blah, blah.

Another escapee from the house of Happy Madison Productions, The House Bunny is little more than 97 minutes of hell for anyone that can’t stand vain, self-conscious, drama queen bimbo bitch whores. Adam Sandler should be ashamed of himself for making this… along with everything else he’s ever done… except for Punch Drunk Love, he was actually very good in that… and that’s probably because he didn’t write or produce it. And since I’m on the subject of “they should be ashamed of themselves”, I’d like to send out a special nod of “Job well done” to Christopher McDonald, Beverly D’Angelo, and Colin Hanks for signing onto this project.

So, let’s backtrack a bit and go over exactly what The House Bunny has going for it…

a) Scantily-clad, vain, self-conscious, drama queen bimbo bitch whores.

b) Not much else.

Presentation
The House Bunny is presented in an anamorphic 2.40:1 aspect ratio and looks fairly decent enough… although, confidentially, the image quality of this film didn’t look all that hot to me. In fact, the movie looks downright lackluster at times, with a rather soft-looking picture and slightly dull colors (but that could just be me and my outright hatred towards the movie).

Accompanying the movie are English and French 5.1 Dolby Digital soundtracks, neither of which really jumped out at me, and English and French Subtitles.

Extras
The DVD for The House Bunny includes several Special Features that start with Ten Deleted Scenes (11:53) ranging from boring to semi-dull. Next up are Twelve Featurettes (53:15 total), whose titles are about as imaginative as anything you would expect from Happy Madison: Anna Faris: House Mom; The Girls Of Zeta; The Girls Upstairs; Colin Hanks: Mr. Nice Guy; From Song To Set: Katharine McPhee; From Tour Bus To Trailer: Tyson Ritter; Look Who Dropped By; House Bunny Style; Zetas Transformed; Getting Ready For A Party; Calendar Girls; House Bunny Memories.

Next up on the list of offenses is a Music Video for the abominable re-working of “I Know What Boys Like” (2:22) that was so gracefully added to the soundtrack to make use of Katharine McPhee’s wonderful voice (she is about the only saving grace of the film, incidentally), which is preceded by an Introduction with McPhee. The Introduction (0:29) is really nothing more than a clip from an Interview with McPhee about the song, carefully relabeled as an Intro.

Previews Paul Blart: Mall Cop; Hancock; You Don’t Mess With The Zohan; This Christmas; Made Of Honor; Private Valentine: Blonde & Dangerous (which I think I saw once under the title Private Benjamin); Center Stage 2: Turn It Up; 50 First Dates; 21; The Other Boleyn Girl; Persepolis; 10 Items Or Less - Seasons 1 & 2; and the Blu-ray Promo that is housed on nearly every Sony DVD.

The Bottom Line
Yup, nothing like distributing that good ol’ honorable message of “Be a whore, girls!” in a PG-13 movie!

Oh, well… at least it’s slightly better than Step Brothers.