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 When I got Inked: The Best of Season 1 in my hands I kind of frowned. A reality show. I probably hadn’t seen a reality show since The Real World premiered. I figured a good 10-year period of intentional ignorance would be enough time for the whole “reality television” concept to mature into compelling viewing, plus I figured I have tattoo artist friends. I have friends covered in tattoos. I even want a few tattoos, though I’m a bit queasy on the pain factor, figuring if I spend minutes on end screaming profanities after stubbing my toe, I probably couldn’t handle a needle. Yes, I seemed to fit Inked’s target demographic – an idea that distressed me to no end.
I turned it off midway through the opening credits. The theme song alone was depressingly awful; an upbeat “punk” song about how people look on the outside, and how they will never bow down to authority, because their ink is their mark on society. Their lyrics, not mine. I was absolutely sure if I stopped laughing I would probably start vomiting. After an eternity of giggling, I turned the show back on, making sure to mute it during the credits sequence.
So now I’ll simply be reviewing the show episode-by-episode, after this bland, perfunctory introduction!
Inside the classy Palm hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada lies the state’s first tattoo parlor that can be found in a hotel/casino,  Hart & Huntington Tattoo Company. Seen as a breakthrough by its owners and workers, the crew has to walk on eggshells in-between the eccentric, drunken folk who stagger their way into the shop, and between themselves. Seemingly at the center of it all is Thomas, a tattoo artist who also works hard as the spokesperson and “image” of the shop itself, who not only has to balance his job in the shop and his job behind the scenes, but also his personal life dating his co-worker, Monica. While there is a collective of odd artists who surround Thomas in his day-to-day life, he is certainly the anchor of the show.
Inked: Best of Season 1 comes with eight episodes, which are:
Pull It Together Dizzle
The lowly shop helper Dizzle (Oh by the way, that’s a retarded fucking name) spends most of his time goofing off on the job. Despite his constant claims that he wants to be a tattoo artist, after 11 months of working at the shop he still can’t be bothered to put away inks or clean out the machines. After getting suspended for a week due to his constant shenanigans, Dizzle is able to come back and finally get hold of a tattoo needle and a couple of grapefruits. Dizzle is a horrible person, but manages to keep his job by the end of the show.
The Trouble With Quinn
Continuing the theme of obnoxious jackasses, Quinn is a receptionist who makes sure to emphasize her love for her job in the confession booth while the show cuts to scenes in the shop where she throws everything into complete chaos. Monica is scheduled to evaluate Quinn’s position but ends up getting into a car crash, which greatly amuses Quinn and her boyfriend, Kamil. Thomas threatens Kamil, which results in Kamil showing up at the shop with five of his friends, who apparently forgot that this is a tattoo shop in Vegas and not lunch period in junior high. The event passes without incident. Quinn is a horrible person, but manages to keep her job by the end of the show.
Love On The Rocks
After five months of dating, Thomas still continues to see his art coming before his romance with Monica, who is seething after he didn’t pick her up for a Korn concert (a blessing in disguise). Meanwhile, guest star Tony Hawk shows up to record a radio show at the shop right as Thomas is breaking it off with Monica, who quits the shop to no one’s surprise.
Get A Leg Up, Thomas
A professional Suicide Girl who happens to be an amputee ropes Thomas into painting her prosthetic leg. This covers two of my own fetishes – crazy girls and amputation. Thomas takes the limb back to a warehouse for painting and tranquility, but after about a month or two of stalling, the warehouse is broken into. Oops.
The Big E-Vent
Of course there’s got to be a gentle giant that works at the tattoo shop, right? Big E is both a professional fighter and a tattoo artist. A burly man who can, of course, put on a smile and connect with the customers in a personal way. Watch Big E fight his way back into the ring! Watch Dizzle drink a gallon of milk in 10 minutes in a b-story that nobody ever asked for!
Trouble in Paradise
Dejah, a tattoo artist who hasn’t really been shown on the disc up until this point so you don’t particularly care about what she’s going through, is planning on moving back to California after working a year at Hart and Huntington. Thomas’ emotions grow more and more erratic the longer he’s separated from Monica, who finally shows up after three months of absence for reconciliation. Special guest star: some guy from Survivor.
(At this moment I just noticed that I’ve grown so apathetic that this is reading like actual blurbs in T.V. Guide.)
Change of Hart
Co-Owner Carey Hart is trying to buy John Huntington’s share of the shop, or else Hart will hand over his share and walk away with the employees. Hey, shouldn’t this be the last episode on the disc?
Old School, Nu Skool
We’re quickly introduced to Twig, a jovial new artist in the fold who has a playful work ethic. This stings the one-eyed Clarke, who has a more traditional way of going about things. Just like The Odd Couple the two manage to hit it off despite their differences, a fun dynamic that is sorely lacking from the previous episodes. Over in story-b, manager-in-training Alex manages to douchebag his way through the episode, getting fired after he purchases a handful of drugs on camera. Let me repeat that: He gets a job on a reality television show, only to end up being caught on camera buying drugs. Is there an award for this?
The immediate problem with this disc is that it’s a best-of compilation, so, unless you’re familiar with the show, you’ll have a tough time trying to stitch together some sort of continuity. Who knows if these episodes have even been put together in chronological order? There’s no airdate listed on the episodes. Because of this, you won’t be able to travel with the characters throughout the series to their eventual self-realizations, their redemptions, or truly grow to be attached to these people. All that’s left is a series of nasty moments without much catharsis.
But then again even if you had continuity to follow, who knows if it would even matter, because most of these people manage to come off as empty-headed children. With every possible dramatic moment in these episodes comes the fantasy that the most horrible possible action will be taken in hopes that these folks will wake the hell up and actually do what they’re supposed to be doing. In fact, every moment when an authority figure is onscreen laying out what’s wrong with the shop, it doesn’t come across as the dramatic super villainy that it’s supposed to, it just comes off as cold, hard logic.
People bicker, whine, fight and reunite like you’d expect. Only it’s now marketed as “edgy” due to the setting.
 Presentation
I always feel particularly lacking when talking about the video portion of a shiny DVD. I’m not particularly good at it, I don’t have a high-end television that makes me sit up and pay attention to such things. But come on, it’s a cable television show. For this kind of disc, there shouldn’t even be a category for this stuff. It’s on video. It looks like it was shot on video. What more do you want? The audio is the same situation. It’s stereo. It’s more active than you’d think, actually. That crappy theme song comes out loud and clear. An all around “meh?” – that’s what you’re getting from me.
Oh, and the show is still censored, bleeping and blurring intact. They even bleep out the word “ass.” I’m surprised that “ass” is still a taboo.
Extras
Text extras, covering the employees of Hart & Huntington, and Shop Talk – How To Talk Tattoo, a collection of terms that remind me why I refuse to use slang that dates later than 1934.
Overall
Outside of its setting, Inked is plainly conventional. Maybe a full season set would have fleshed out the emotional growth of these people, but this “Best-Of” disc reminds me why I don’t watch much television. This is strictly for fans.
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