“I’d hit it” is the battle cry of a good percentage of undersexed males on the Internet. In fact, if you are reading this review, then you are probably one of them. Well if you are tired of debating whether or not you would rather “hit” Rosie O’Donnell in Exit To Eden or a cold sore laden Tara Ried, this latest entry in the popular Masters Of Horror series, Dario Argento’s Jenifer, will provide you with a brand new benchmark for discussion to test the limits of the already small list of things you kinda, sorta, probably, wouldn’t stick your dick in.

Based off an old horror comic from Creepy, the story of Jenifer is a simple Outer Limits-ish story about a police officer who saves a horribly disfigured woman from being murdered. This being the first person that Officer Frank Spivey (Steven Weber – of Wings!) ever had to kill, the otherwise normal cop begins the required therapy sessions but becomes obsessed with the woman he saved. Known only as Jenifer (Carrie Anne Fleming), her background is completely a mystery to everyone. As Frank’s obsession deepens, he goes so far as to bring Jenifer home with him, much to his wife’s dismay.

It isn’t long before Frank’s obsession with Jenifer turns sexual since, aside from her face, she’s got an absolutely incredible body. Adultery is the least of Frank’s concerns though, as Jenifer is no vegetarian, and she feasts on meat, preferably fresh killed. Starting with the family cat, the body count rises until Frank is forced on the run with Jenifer to a completely other town. As Frank becomes more and more tired and mentally disturbed, it’s only a matter of time before he loses it completely and takes his own action against Jenifer.

The simplistic nature of Jenifer isn’t the film’s problem. The problem is in its ability to grow tired and cover the same ground repeatedly within its scant hour-long runtime. A big part of Jenifer, particularly in the films second-half, is the sex. It’s an important theme, because it shows man’s relentless desire of sex and what he will put aside in order to get some. But showing it over and over again gets monotonous and tiresome. The point is clearly made by the second sex act, why drill it in. Speaking of repetitive, the Psycho inspired score doesn’t work that well to pace the feature. Possibly the worst thing about the film though is that outside of the principle actors, most of the secondary cast simply aren’t very good actors.

Coming from a director I hold in such high esteem, Jenifer comes off as a disappointment. What would be an average little horror film that I would never have had the desire to watch again ends up being a bit of a failure from the director of genre classics like Suspiria and Phenomena. Other Masters Of Horror episodes have managed to elevate themselves above the constrictions of television. Jenifer though seems like something of DTV quality that never could have been released theatrically. It isn’t that it’s terribly bad; it’s that it’s not terribly good.

The DVD Presentation
Filmed just a year earlier, there wouldn’t be any excuse for the DVD of Jenifer to not look fantastic. It pretty much does too. The transfer is anamorphic and really strong. Audio also fares well. DD 2.0 and 5.1 mixes are included. The surround mix isn’t that strong or immersive, but the film itself isn’t that loud or angry. It’s a subtle mix, but it does work quite well to immerse the viewer. Sadly, like all Anchor Bay DVDs, subtitles weren’t included. But fans probably won’t complain about the presentation otherwise.

And the Extras Are?
Audio Commentary with Steven Weber and Perry Martin –
As far as actor commentaries go, this one isn’t so bad. It does offer an interesting perspective and hearing Steven speak candidly about his sex scenes was quite fun. Still, this commentary wont win many awards.

So Hideous My Love – (14:38)
Dario basically walks us through the conception of Jenifer, why he chose this story for the series and the experience of making the film. Two scenes that were edited out of the final product are shown here and discussed. A worthy inclusion; short and sweet.

Working with a Master: Dario Argento – (16:04)
As an Argento fan, this is quite possibly my favorite feature on this DVD. Several of Dario’s collaborators (not just from Jenifer) talk about what it is like working with the true “Master of Horror.” Interviewees include: Howard Berger (Makeup Designer), Steven Weber (Actor), Tony Musante (Actor, Bird With The Crystal Plumage), Carrie Anne Fleming (Actress) and Claudio Simonettti (Composer, Suspiria). Hearing all of these different views is great. Claudio probably worked with Argento the most, so his insight on how he composed his different films is great. A must see for Argento fans.

On Set: An Interview with Steven Weber – (11:26)
Weber is unique since he actually adapted the screenplay from the original story from an issue of Creepy. Since he did this as well as acted as the main protagonist, Frank Spivey, he has quite a bit to say. The interview isn’t long, but it does seem to go on slightly past its welcome since he starts talking about his experiences with Dario when this was ground covered in the previous featurette.

On Set: An Interview with Carrie Anne Fleming – (10:20)
Finally, Jenifer speaks. It’s great to hear from the actress behind the makeup, she seems personable and talks about how difficult it is to wear all the makeup and still know what you are doing. Again, it falls into “let’s celebrate Dario” mode which was already covered previously, but more interesting is her stance on nudity. She states how easy it was since her face is covered.

Script to Screen: Jenifer – (38:18)
This feature has no narration. It starts with a graphic representation of the script with the films audio from the same sequence being played. Then it shows the same scene being filmed. This is done for two more scenes. It’s actually quite tedious to take in at once. Not a bad feature, it just goes on for far too long.

Behind the Scenes: The Making of Jenifer – (11:42)
Another non-narrated piece. There is such a thing as too much footage, and this is the evidence. If you want real insight, go watch So Hideous My Love. It’s more comprehensive and has direction.

Howard Berger and the Make-Up of Jenifer – (19:36)
The man behind Evil Dead II walks you through his makeup effects of Jenifer as he applies the makeup to Carrie Anne Fleming. If you like makeup features, this is amongthe better ones. Which is a nice surprise coming after the last two lame featurettes.

Eleven “Masters Of Horror” Trailers –
These are the individual television trailers for the eleven episodes from season one that Anchor Bay has released on DVD so far. Included among this are the trailers for Chocolat, Cigarette Burns, Dreams In The Witch House, Homecoming, Deer Woman, Jenifer, Incident On And Off A Mountain Road, Dance Of The Dead, Fair-Haired Child, Pick Me Up and Sick Girl. Hopefully we will get a box set soon now that the first season has completed.

Still Gallery –
Thirty-two really cool behind the scenes stills. Lots of on set Argento photos as well. Cool little gallery.

Dario Argento Bio –
A fairly comprehensive text based bio. For those new to Argento, perhaps experiencing his work for the first time through the Masters Of Horror series (and I am awful sorry if that’s the case) this is certainly an informative read. Fans know most of this stuff already. This same bio is also duplicated on the DVD for Do You Like Hitchcock?

Screenplay and Screensaver (DVD-ROM) –
A cool extra feature, the screenplay for Jenifer is downloadable as a PDF file and there is a Jenifer screensaver with still images from the film. Not that I would want Jenifer’s face plastered on screen.

Anchor Bay Trailer Gallery –
First up is the same god damned tired Masters Of Horror (1:55) promo trailer that Anchor Bay puts on everything. Followed by trailers for Room 6 (1:50), Demon Hunter (1:30) and The Tooth Fairy (1:32). I might actually have had some faith in The Tooth Fairy had Stephen J. Campbell’s name not been attached. It looks fairly decent, but then again so did Demon Hunter.

There are also some Easter eggs for those with enough patience to look for them.

The Bottom Line
The entire Masters Of Horror series seems to divide horror fans in every way. Never have I seen some fans so critical of their own favorite directors of whom they were usually quite biased over. Considering only Argento’s only stab at the first season, Jenifer certainly isn’t horrible. But something from the director of Suspiria should have been a whole hell of a lot better. There are things to admire in Jenifer, but it doesn’t even place among the best MOH episodes, let alone the majority of Argento’s catalog. Still, this interesting disappointment is given great attention by Anchor Bay, and if you are either a MOH or Argento completist, you won’t be disappointed by this DVD.

Note: This review is based off pre-release version of the DVD. The retail copy may be altered in ways unknown to this reviewer.