I’m sure it’s very foolish of me to praise Dallas over Melrose Place, but honestly, every soap opera ever made is the same damn thing, isn’t it? Soaps have been around since even before the days of television, so the whole Jim loves Beth, Beth loves George, George hates Jim-thing got really old really fast.

But it’s fascinating nevertheless. Originally (and this goes out to those of you who were born before 1975), soaps were a little less complicated. Personally, I think Dallas helped changed things. Then Aaron Spelling’s Dynasty came about, taking things to the extreme, and making way for Dallas’ legendary Ninth Season (which turns out to be a dream). After Dynasty and Dallas finished up their airwave feud, TV execs needed more and more shit to captivate bored housewives and the lymphatic employees and visitors of hospitals everywhere, so the formula became more extreme: Jim loves Beth, Beth loves George, George used to be Mary but became George when his/her baby with Jim miscarried due to Jim’s nasty alcoholic/abusive streak and has returned to steal Beth from Jim and tries to kill Jim altogether but instead sends him to the plastic surgeon and returns two seasons later as Bob.

And yet, people continued to lap it up like the starving dogs that they were (and still are, by some accounts).

So anyway, back to the topic at hand: Melrose Place: The Fifth Season, Volume 1 brings us the first 19 drama-filled episodes of the lives, loves, and lusts of some of the most despicable square-jawed white drama lovers ever to inhabit the greater metropolitan Los Angeles area aside from the despicable square-jawed white drama lovers down in 90210 (another Spelling production from which this one spawned like an evil alien chestburster thingy) or those other despicable square-jawed white drama lovers up in The O.C. (a show that wasn’t made by Spelling -- and one that I rather liked).

Things are pretty much the same at the beginning of this season even though the character of Jo has left for greener pastures (a place called Druidia, I believe), the rest of the cast is quite adept at continuing their madness without her: Amanda (Heather Locklear) finds out from a persistent detective (Nigel Gibbs, quite possibly the only black man in L.A. according to this show) that her beloved new hubby Peter (Jack Wagner) is a fugitive wanted for murder. Drama queens extraordinaire Jane and Sydney (Josie Bissett and Laura Leighton, respectively) having left Richard (Patrick Muldoon) for dead in a shallow grave find out that, well, he isn’t dead…and he’s not very thrilled about them trying to murder him. Jake (Grant Show) and Allison (Courtney Thorne-Smith) are sleeping together, while Allison’s former beau, the oblivious Billy (Andrew Shue), mopes on through life. Michael (Thomas Calabro) sits by the bedside of his comatose wife Kimberly (Marcia Cross). Meanwhile, Matt (Doug Savant), quite possibly the only likeable character in this show, has very little to do. And that’s just the Season Premiere, too. Even more thrills and chills are smeared across the screen as the season progresses, but you’ll just have to find out for yourself.

And you know you want to…you despicable square-jawed white drama lover, you.

Presentation
Melrose Place definitely has its fans, otherwise we wouldn’t be getting these season sets on DVD from CBS/Paramount. Unlike the previously released seasons of Melrose Place on DVD, CBS/Paramount has once again given in to their own greed and issued this season as a two-parter (tsk tsk, fellas). All 19 eps are squeezed onto 4 Discs. The Standard Television Full Frame 1.33:1 presentation is adequate enough, although this is mid-90s TV we’re talking about, so don’t expect a crystal clear picture. Sound-wise, we get a nice English Dolby Stereo track. No Subtitles are included, but the discs are Closed Captioned.

Extras
In keeping up with their grand tradition of being skimpy, CBS/Paramount neglected to include any Special Features.

The Bottom Line
Some soaps strive effortlessly to break new ground -- that’s what makes them unique, after all. Melrose Place also attempts to break new ground. It’s entertaining in a brain-dead overly dramatic piece of crap TV soap kind of way, but, alas, about all Melrose Place succeeds in breaking is wind.