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In case it slipped past you, you might want to give Paris Je T’aime a try. Unless, of course, you’re one of those people that has trouble comprehending the rest of the world does make movies and that they don’t make them in English. Yes, you will have to read those words at the bottom of the screen. Yes, they may fly by too fast for your feeble brain to process them. Deal with it.
Paris Je T’aime consists of a handful of segments that take place in various locales of The City of Lights…
Montmartre: Bruno Podalydès directs and stars as a real jerk of a Frenchman (read: a Frenchman) who bitches about not being able to find a woman shortly before one passes out as he passes by his tiny Euro automobile. A man claiming to be a doctor walks by, says it’s a case of low blood sugar and advises she eats some beets (no wonder France has such kick-ass healthcare: in the U.S. the guy would’ve made you wait an hour and then misdiagnosed you…prescribing a half-dozen medications and billing you a small fortune in the process!).
Quais de Seine: Ah, the Seine…where Terri Nunn walked along at night with…well, whoever that other person may have been. Gurinder Chadha brings us the story of a young white lad (Cyril Descours) falls for a really hot Muslim babe (Leïla Bekhti).
 Le Marais: Gus Van Sant brings us this talky tale of two guys talking. An artist (Gaspard Ulliel) tries to chat up an American apprentice (Elias McConnell) in a print shop. Unfortunately, the apprentice hasn’t a clue what the artist is saying due to the fact that Americans are too lazy to learn foreign languages. Sorry, Gus, but we’re still angry over Psycho (1998).
Tuileries: The Coen Brothers direct a typically bizarre Coen-like story where tourist Steve Buscemi learns the hard way to not make eye contact on the subway. Julie Bataille co-stars.
Loin du 16ème: A woman takes her infant to a daycare so she can play nanny to another person’s infant. It took two directors (Walter Salles and Daniela Thomas) to come up with this.
 Porte de Choisy: Whoever told Christopher Doyle he would be a good writer/director lied. Barbet Schroeder and Li Xin attempt to flush their careers down the toilet in a tale of…well...something. I have no idea what the hell this segment is about other than hairdressing (somebody must’ve been very generous with the drugs though).
Bastille: Sergio Castellitto wants to leave wife Miranda Richardson because she annoys him. However, when she breaks the news that she’s dying, he decides to take care of her and re-discovers the quirks that annoyed him so much before have now become priceless. A fun little gem from Isabel Coixet.
 Place des Victoires: Juliette Binoche has lost her cowboy-adoring son. The vision of cowboy Willem Dafoe gallops in to let her see her little boy one last time so that she may learn to let go. Directed by Nobuhiro Suwa.
Tour Eiffel: Quite possibly the creepiest vignette ever produced. Warning: this segment contains mimes. Watch at your own risk and lock the door afterward. Sylvain Chomet directs.
Parc Monceau: Alfonso Cuarón brings us (drum roll, please)…Nick Nolte! And Ludivine Sagnier. Nick Nolte plays a chain-smoking dad. His French sucks. He’s also starting to sound like Tom Waits (sing Nighthawks at the Diner, will ya?).
 Quartier des Enfants Rouges: Maggie Gyllenhaal plays an actress (there’s a stretch) working in Paris who needs a drug fix (there’s an even bigger stretch). Fortunately, Paris caters to everyone in Olivier Assayas’ mediocre yarn.
Place des Fêtes: The saddest one of the bunch. Paramedic Aïssa Maïga tends to a lovesick Seydou Boro in a well-done bit by Oliver Schmitz.
Pigalle: Richard LaGravenese directs Bob Hoskins and Fanny Ardant as a married couple trying to rekindle their romance after all these years.
 Quartier de la Madeleine: Vincenzo Natali brings us an entertaining romance on the gothic side. Elijah Wood encounters a beautiful vampire (Olga Kurylenko) and falls for her…literally. Wes Craven plays the vampire’s victim.
Père-Lachaise: Speaking of Wes Craven, here’s his take: Emily Mortimer is bored with her less-than-thrilling, far-too-serious husband-to-be, Rufus Sewell. It takes a mild concussion in order for Rufus to learn the fine art of fine wit from none other than Oscar Wilde himself (Alexander Payne).
Faubourg Saint-Denis: If the techno-like rhythm of this clip reminds you of Run, Lola, Run, it’s because they’re both from director Tom Tykwer. Don’t worry, Tykwer redeems himself for The Princess and the Warrior with this one. Natalie Portman and Melchoir Beslon shine.
 Quartier Latin: An extremely intoxicated Ben Gazzara and an equally-sauced Gena Rowlands reminisce about their married days in Gerard Depardieu’s contribution to the film (Depardieu also plays a café owner).
14ème Arrondissement: The final offering, from Alexander Payne, features character actress Margo Martindale as a middle-aged, less-than-average-looking American tourist who discovers a different kind of love while simultaneously assassinating the French language.
 Presentation
Considering I was given a barebones screener to review (which intermittently jumps from color to B&W with large captions reading “For Screening Purposes Only: Not For Rental or Sale”), I’m afraid I cannot comment on the audio/visual quality of this DVD release.
I would like to point out that I was originally supposed to interview Wes Craven, Gus Van Sant and Emily Mortimer. To the best of my knowledge, the folks at First Look Pictures never arranged anything like I was lead to believe. Thank you, First Look Pictures: I shan’t be reviewing any future releases from you (at least in a positive light). I hope that your so-called company files for Chapter 11. And with some of the titles you’ve been releasing lately (Broken, The Breed), there’s a good chance I may get my wish. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!! I’m evil!!!
Extras
Again, screener copy. I have no clue what’s on the official release and I’m too lazy to find out.
The Bottom Line
The perfect companion piece to Frantic, Charlie Chan in Paris or The Clones of Bruce Lee.
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| Paris Je T’aime |
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| 3 |
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Feature -A good way to waste two hours. |
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| * |
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Video - N/A |
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| * |
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Audio - N/A |
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| * |
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Extras - N/A |
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