I don’t need to get started preaching love for foreign films, particularly Italian films. Longtime readers are well aware that I have a fondness for Italian cinema, from giallo films to their romantic comedies, there seems to be a life to Italian movies and their filmmakers that few other nations can match. It is easy to getcaught up in the great A-list Italian directors and exceptional B-film directors. From Fellini to Martino, they all have their merits. But every once in a while there comes that film that breaks the mold and changes everything. This is one such movie.

Of course, in this case what breaks the mold is akin to a much more traumatic event than an awe inspiring one. Being a fan of Italian cinema and watching The Witch is like having your mother die, your pet run over, your vehicle’s alternator break and having a terrible burning sensation when you urinate – all in the same afternoon. You will feel weak, depressed, lethargic and will likely want to tear your eyes out.

I hear you all saying, “Oh, come now. Let’s quit with the melodrama.” This is not at all surprising. You see, I was yelling that same thing at director Damiano Damiani via the television with such fervor that even the most rabid sports fan would have been impressed. But let us, just for a moment, make some comparisons. Some Italian directors tend to ramble on almost aimlessly with the narrative; a director likeMichelangelo Antonioni likely doesn’t even have a narrative. However, there is usually a sense of direction, an interesting visual style or, at very least, an expectation that you are driftwood in the film’s sea. But The Witch simply drags and, when it is done, it you feel like you've been taken for a ride ... in a bad way.

The plot is standard. A young debonair historian, Sergio (Richard Johnson), finds that he is being followed by an old widow. It also happens to be the same widow that placed an ad in the newspaper seeking someone to translate and catalog her late father’s collection of erotic writings. What follows after they meet can only be described as the most roundabout job interview ever combined with a never-ending FBI interrogation. So little is talked about the job that there is almost legitimate surprise when Sergio decides not to accept it. He changes his mind soon after seeing the woman’s lovely daughter, Aura (Rosanna Schiaffino).

Aura is, in fact, stunning. There is no doubt about that. The woman is gorgeous. She is batshit insane, yes, but she is indeed gorgeous. After the standard meet-cute tour of the estate, sly dog Sergio throws down every ounce of smarminess he can muster in order to get into her pants. It almost works, too. But as it turns out, the current bookkeeper/fencer still happens to be under their employ. When he shows up, Aura turns cold, and the two men are forced to duel for her affection.

Okay, I lied. Instead of dueling they just share cigarettes and complain a lot. The momma, of course, is not the most kindly of people and wants Sergio to kill her daughter’s boyfriend. I guess he figures it was the right time to do it, because he considers taking the job.

I would like to say that the film picks up as it gets going, but it doesn’t. I would like to say that the story takes at least a semi-intelligent and unexpected turn, (I don’t want to spoil anything but this movie has an old woman and a young beautiful woman, and it’s called The Witch. It’s not exactly a case you need Sherlock Holmes on, ya know?) but it doesn’t. In every conceivable way from start to finish the film is completely flat.

Disc Presentation
Flat; let’s talk about it. I just used it to describe the film, and I will use it to describe the audio as well. The Witch is an Italian film with an Italian cast. Italians don’t have a chance to practice English very much. This, I imagine, is why the lips never match the words. It’s probably much more likely that the DVD doesn’t have the original language track, but I think it is funnier to think they are really trying hard to get their English right. Not that you can hear a fucking thing they are saying anyway. The audio tour-de-force has more bumps and pops than that copy of Thriller you used to play non-stop. If they included subtitles, it might not have been so horrible, but since they didn’t I had to work to distinguish the dialog. No amount of money could have made that work worthwhile. The video fares better, which is presented full-frame, but the quality of the print makes it look like it was shot on 16mm anyway, so it is sufficient. Not that it couldn’t benefit from a remaster, but you could benefit more by leaving it at the store, so the studio put just as much effort into the film as it deserves.

Extras
The absolute best part of this DVD was there was not a single damn thing that I had to devote any time to besides the movie. The Witch got me for an hour and 50 minutes, and the time it took to write this review – nothing more. Seriously, not even any liner notes. I couldn’t be happier with the bonus features.

Fine  
I didn’t think it was possible, but The Witch has earned a special place on my shit list for being the worst film that I have had the privilege of reviewing for . Having previously watched My Big Phat Hip Hop Family and The Seduction of Misty Mundae, that was no easy accomplishment. But it gets credit for completely blindsiding me; I certainly didn’t expect it to suck to such magnitude. It fails as a film and it fails as a DVD. This Witch is guilty and hereby gets burned.

Noto’s Trivia Fun! – A trip to the Internet Movie Database for more information about the director led to a revealing moment. Sixteen years after this cinematic turd stunk up the cinema, director Damiano Damiani released his magnum opus Amityville II: The Possession. This film has also gone down in history as one of the most mean-spirited films of all time, which took a supposedly true gruesome story and made it somehow even more sickening by adding incest and a priest that assists in jailbreaks. However, even that remains more amusing than The Witch because it stars Burt Young. A child-abusing Burt Young at that…

If there is a single lesson to be gathered out of all this, Mr. Damiani obviously doesn’t want people to watch his movies, and I fully support him in that decision.