OK, I went to film school. Now, before you judge me too harshly, please know that it was a moment of misguided youth and a very expensive life lesson (still paying off that damn student loan).

Why do I tell you this? Basically, because I learned a few things about people during my studies. One of those things is that you can quickly identify the guy in your class who will go on to make something like Slaughtered Vomit Dolls. There is at least one (only one if you are lucky), and he's always basically the same guy (maybe there is only one and he is some sort of time and space traveling being who's always existed).

Picture the fellow who sits near the back of the class… a very small class, mind you. Thankfully, most American students are a wee bit wiser to the ways of the world and most don't squander their opportunity at secondary education this way. Anyway, this guy is the one who doesn't normally say too much, tends to make his projects by himself instead of partnering up with a classmate, and offers up little in the way of constructive criticism outside of the occasional mutterings of “lame,” “gay,” “weak,” or something similar.

Ironically, this guy is also usually the most talented in the room. By talented, to green film students, it usually means being something of a visionary. Someone who thinks so far outside of the box that there isn't anything even resembling a geometric shape anywhere near him. While the rest of us are toiling away at making something coherent, this guy is showing visual representations of drug trips and descents into a metaphysical hell.

A lot of times, this guy has a very unhealthy fascination with Satan and considers himself to be “evil.” Now, I'm not talking the Anton LaVey type of Satanism that embraces the animalistic side of the human animal. No, this is the guy who buys into the whole white-bearded god in the sky and the cartoon devil under our feet and sides with the one in the nifty red pimp suit.

At this point, you can also safely say that this guy will be probably the only one in the class who will probably end up homeless, insane, or both.

Occasionally, this guy will make it in the world… somehow. Rich parents, I suppose. Unencumbered by the constraints of things like a structured program, a professor, and some sort of peer review; this guy will go right off the deep end, use his new skills, and actually make a film.

This entire narrative ran through my head as I screened my copy of Slaughtered Vomit Dolls. Why this, you may ask? Because there isn't any sort of narrative at all in the damn movie. Now I'm all for experimental cinema. When it is done properly, it allows your mind to expand and think things through; and it actually has a payoff at some point… even if it is only a personal epiphany.

Slaughtered Vomit Dolls has none of that. What was shit out on my screen was a mangled series of vignettes, skewed angles, out-of-sequence quick edits, voice overs, speed changes, and things that don't even have descriptive names. It's one of those approaches to art where, if you aren't brilliant enough to create proper chaos with some sort of vision, you simulate chaos in hopes that someone watching will interpret it as genius.

On their website (you've gotta be at least 18) you can see the trailer for Slaughtered Vomit Dolls.

Go ahead. I'll wait.

Looks interesting, right? I definitely thought so. Well, that kind of style can work great for a trailer or even a three minute music video, but as a 71 minute feature? Not so much.

Ah, but I'm on to you mister weirdo, loner film school guy who's inner thoughts are probably a jumble of GWAR videos.

In Slaughtered Vomit Dolls, an attempt is made at establishing a brand new genre - “Vomit Gore.” To this, I applaud and commend the filmmaker. Exploitation cinema thrives on shocking its audience in order to appeal to our primitive lizard brain. It is a never-ending game of catch-up as we become more aware of cinematic trickery and things which could once fool our eyes are quick to read as false and pull us from our suspended disbelief. In order to combat that, the quickest way to drop an audience into the swirl of horror that you want to create on screen is to mix extreme reality with your fiction. The filmmakers here felt that actual puking would properly fit that bill. To a degree, they are correct. Human regurgitation can be a violent event that repulses spectators and renders the victim a slave to their own out-of-control bodily functions. Vomiting can be all things that a horror movie strives to be: Scary, disgusting, and visceral.

This is where my applause for the filmmakers comes to an abrupt end. The idea was in the right direction but the execution was anything but. I'll copy the description right from their website, since there was no way I could've done this on my own:

“The gruesome tapestry of psychological manifestations of a nineteen year old bulimic runaway stripper - turned prostitute named Angela Aberdeen; as she descends into a hellish pit of satanic nightmares and hallucinations.”

Uh… OK, sure. Whatever you say.

All that I got out of it was a bunch of disjointed images of some chick who is pretty, but pretty in that sad, rural way where you know that the crystal meth is just about to catch up to her. This chick gets naked a lot and vomits from time to time, when she isn't fucking some unseen person or flashing back to a video tape of her as a little girl. Sometimes, for no reason, we are rushed to scenes of nude women being tortured and disfigured until they throw up. Out of nowhere comes some dude who repeatedly yaks into a mug, drinks it, and yaks it back up again. And… some other junk too.

Now if you are thinking to yourself, “Wow, this could be really cool!” Think again. I thought the same thing until I actually watched it. Let's face it, the dude didn't pull it off. I give him props for taking a shot at it, but in the end, he got twisted in his own delusions of being an “artist” and failed.

Picture & Sound
For pro-sumer digital video, as good as you'd expect. Actually, if this had been edited properly and had something resembling a proper script, this might bo OK. The visuals worked. Everything was lit with nods toward both proper exposure and some actual artistic expressionism.

The sound was fine, I guess. I just got way too annoyed with the minimalist soundtrack (when there was one) and the off-speed dialogue.

Extras
I received a screener, so there were no extras available. According to Diabolik DVD the disc also has a 22 minute making-of, two audio commentaries, a photo gallery, the trailer and the teaser.

I would have liked to have seen the making-of documentary. I can only imagine that it would be a little more straight-forward than the film itself, and probably more interesting. And color me utterly fascinated to hear what would be in not one, but two audio commentaries. There is no way in hell I'd ever watch the feature again, but I would consider picking up the DVD just to check the other stuff out.

Wrap-up
All of the worst tendencies of the film-school “artist,” without a single thing to temper them, run amok here for the longest 71 minutes you'll spend in front of your TV. While the idea definitely had merit; there is no way anyone could enjoy this abortion on a silver disc.

Lucifer Valentine, you got one pant out of me for braving a bold new subgenre in the exploitation world. Next time, man up and earn the rest.

		Slaughtered Vomit Dolls
1		Feature - Although if vomit is your particular fetish, you may disagree with me.
2		Video - As good as home video is going to look, which isn't saying much. The transfer was well done, at least.
2		Audio - Perhpas I'm being generous, but the sound of the puke hitting stuff was clear.
2.5		Extras - No extras on my copy, but there are tons on the official release, so I'll give it the benefit of the doubt.

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