So after the unintentional hilarity that was The Revenge of the Cheerleaders, Mrs. C was thinking that everything was going to continue to be light hearted sex comedies right up until the end of this venture.  Imagine her surprise when reading the bumper at the end of that review and seeing this gem was next up on the plate.

Mrs. C:  The Velvet Vampire?  Seriously? 

Me:  Hell, yeah!  It’s gonna be awesome! 

Subconsciously though, I was worried.  Number one, I had a hell of a time tracking this movie down and when she read that, I still had not located a copy (it’s since been re-released and you should have no problem finding it on Amazon). Number two, she hates horror movies and I couldn’t remember just how scary this was. 

If you’re wondering why that worries me, let me just tell you that I’m a complicated man.  My wife has spent 11 years trying hard to figure me out and every time she thinks she has a handle on what makes me tick, something surprises her.  Honestly, I think that’s why she sticks around.  At the same time, if this movie ends up being all kinky, taboo sex and blood, she’s likely to say, “Enough is enough.  This is too weird for me” and bolt.   

So, as I write this foreword not having yet watched the film, I’m not sure what’s going to happen, but whatever it is, it’ll be fun.

Film number four:  The Velvet Vampire

How I remember it
As I remember, it’s set in the desert and the main character is a hot, bisexual vampire chick.  She’s played by Celeste Yarnall (from Star Trek fame and who if I remember right will be unrecognizable to most people as a brunette in this film). 

I don’t remember the plot.  I just remember Celeste Yarnall, a blonde hippy-ish chick, vampirism and my 15-year-old brain going “WOO HOO!” 

The Viewing
First of all, it was like God didn’t want us to watch this film.  It was nigh impossible to find.  I ended up downloading it from a company called EZTakes.  It was all done on the up and up so DIMP need not fear legal reprisals.  Then I burned it to DVD only to have the DVD skip and stall repeatedly when Mrs. C and I first tried watching it.   

Finally, I ended up just transferring it to the laptop and the two of us curled up to watch it on a rare, rainy night in Southern California.  However, The Velvet Vampire turned out to be less erotic and more neurotic than I remembered it.  In fact, if anything, itseems to have been an attempt to make an honest-to-God horror film for the free love 70s generation.   

Things start out with a young couple at an art gallery being approached by Diane, an affluent woman who is friends with the art gallery owner.  The couple also knows the gallery owner and before long, everyone is the best of friends.  When I say, “Before long,” I literally mean, “In the space of about four minutes of uncut footage” and by “best of friends” I mean “they all want to bone each other”. 

In fact, it’s so obvious that the husband wants to jump in the sack with Diane that it prompted my wife to yell, “Oh just fuck already!” at the screen.  She’s not normally prone to doing this. 

By this point, the couple has been invited to Diane’s desert mansion and they’ve happily accepted.   

Now, take a moment and think about this.  Have you ever… I mean EVER… walked into any place at all with your significant other and within four minutes been invited to stay at their desert mansion for the weekend?  If so, was the invitation an obvious ploy to get in your pants?   

If you still answered “yes”, then I believe you must have been in your early twenties in the 1970s.  If there is any one lesson that I have learned so far through watching these films it’s that in 1970, you couldn’t walk across the street without getting laid by some random passerby.  God, how I wish I were of age in that most golden of eras. 

But I digress.   

The couple end up going to the mansion and weird things happen.  Now, from a horror aspect, I have to take a moment and point out that The Velvet Vampire is very close to being a worthwhile horror film.  In fact, I’d love to remake it, pull out some of the stupid sex and explore the mythology behind it further.  Diane is a vampire but she can still walk in the sun.  She may or may not have been unearthed by miners in the 1800s and she has an extraordinarily weird relationship with the local Indians who mummified her dead husband’s body.  Her vampirism also seems to be tied to an ancient knife. 

See?  It could be really cool.  Unfortunately the acting and dialogue is atrocious and the effects aren’t much better.  Ever seen a bloodless vampire movie?  Me neither, until now. 

Oh… that’s right… we were supposed to be talking about sex here.  Well if there were any notable scenes, I’d be mentioning them.  In fact, Mrs. C looked at me after the credits rolled and said, “Wow.  Pretty much anything would do it for you at fifteen.  Good thing that’s changed.” 

You get some dream sequences where the couple lies in a bed in the desert and Diane seemingly pulls one or the other away.  There’s a brief scene where the husband finally sleeps with Diane and there is a mild lesbian scene in one of the dream sequences which features Diane cutting the wife’s breast with the ceremonial knife and presumably sucking the blood.  I say presumably because it’s a medium shot and there’s such a soft focus on the scene you can’t really tell. 

Now, this is not to say that we didn’t enjoy the movie.  We had fun commenting here and there and some of the dialogue made us laugh out loud.  For instance our favorite: 

Husband to Diane over dinner:  I’d like to drive your buggy, Diane. 

Or this exchange: 

Man (to woman at the art gallery):  Do you come here often?

Woman:  Only when I want some ass. 

Or this wonderful bit of writing: 

Husband after being blatantly caught fucking Diane on the floor of the living room:  I was just getting laid baby.  I’m not crazy about her.  I’m crazy about you! 

Wife giggles and warms up to him.

Those quotes make it seem more like a porno than it actually is.  In fact, this movie is only a few Amish actors away from being a completely non-sexual movie. 

The Verdict
Some things are better left to memory.  The Velvet Vampire is one of them.

Next up:  The Five Films That Got Me Through Puberty - Part 5:  Young Lady Chatterley starring Harlee McBride.