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It’s pretty much a foregone conclusion that Hollywood has become the new Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571: the plane was flying along all merrily-like… but now, well it has crashed in the Andes, folks -- and the industry is only managing to survive by eating itself up (a dumb analogy, I admit, but it’s about the only way I could get the point across).
But bad movies are nothing new from Hollywood… or from independent filmmakers for that matter. Fortunately, both Hollywood and the independents are well represented by our friends at Cinematic Titanic, another super-intelligently large-headed brainchild from “Mystery Science Theater 3000” creator, Joel Hodgson. Itself an independently made series, Cinematic Titanic has only been around for about a year now, but the relentlessly-funny work that Hodgson -- along with fellow former MST3K alumni Trace Beaulieu, Frank Conniff, J. Elvis Weinstein, and Mary Jo Pehl -- put into such cinematic eyesores as The Oozing Skull and Doomsday Machine is outstandingly funny.
The latest two chapters in the CT history book include two of the foulest, most despairingly despicable feature-length abortions ever to adorn a reel: Legacy Of Blood and the Christmastime epic, Santa Claus Conquers The Martians.
 Now, hold on just a moment there… Santa Claus Conquers The Martians? Again? Yes, any good MST3K fan is well-aware of the Satellite of Love gang’s now-classic treatment of the now-cult classic 1964 holiday oddity and has most assuredly made it part of their Yuletide traditions. “So, why do it again?”, you ask? Well, try as you may to turn that 1985 Dudley Moore flop into something enjoyable, or rip apart the latest installment in Disney’s putrid Santa Clause series (like I vengefully did with The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause… but I digress), there are no other standalone moving picture events that can endure a lifetime of ridiculing such as Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (with the exception, of course, of Santa Claus (1959), that hilariously-wacky Mexican flick -- itself a holiday tradition for me and my unsurprisingly empty household)… to which I reply a stern “Why not, indeed!”.
But there are more turkeys to deep fry, so we’ll get back to Santa and Dropo later. For now though, let’s focus on the fourth Cinematic Titanic release: Legacy Of Blood. Also known as Blood Legacy (oooh, how startlingly original!), 1971’s Legacy Of Blood is another variation of John Willard’s seemingly-timeless The Cat And The Canary with a bit of Agatha Christie’s Ten Little Indians thrown in… .with the only substantial, truly noticeable difference between them is that Legacy Of Blood is just plain awful.
 The half-assed excuse for a story that Legacy Of Blood offers consists of the gathering of several heirs to the Estate of the late millionaire, Christopher Dean (John Carradine). The Dean children range from contemptible (Jeff Morrow and Faith Domergue) to downright certifiable (Brooke Mills and Richard Davalos), while the servants (John Russell, Ivy Bethune, and Buck Kartalian) are completely creepy. The elder Dean leaves $136million to his four children (and their respective significant others), under the condition that they stay at the old spiteful coot’s mansion for a week… and, should anyone, perchance, happen to kinda sorta die during their stay, the inheritance will then be split up equally among the survivors.
 Yep, you can pretty much see where this one is heading: the multiple and ruthless cold-blooded murders of several washed-up B-grade actors… so it’s Cinematic Titanic to the rescue! From Weinstein’s remark, “Oh, jeez, can we watch something a little more wholesome, like a Tijuana snuff film?” as he recoils in fear to the sight of John Carradine whipping Buck Kartalian amidst an ugly flashback scene, to Frank’s run-in with the chewing gum patrol during one of the breakaway portions (or “host segments”, if you will -- the qualities of which are improving, BTW), the CT gang does their utmost best to turn this dreary turd of a film -- laced with ketchup-blood murders, incestuous tones, Nazi-skin lampshades, sadomasochism, and Pomeranian dogs, too -- into something watchable… and they succeed admirably in the process; riffing incessantly on the abundance of alcohol consumption and excessive parlor game playing the movie throws at us. Even poor Mexican actor Rodolfo Acosta (in his final film, unfortunately) gets his fair share of jokes during his brief scene as a doomed dolt of a sheriff.
Cinematic Titanic: Legacy Of Blood gets a **** rating.
 And now, for the moment you’ve all been waiting for… the Return of/to Santa Claus Conquers The Martians: when the DVD arrived in my mailbox, I showed the cover to my children, who screamed with excitement “Santa Claus!” I then pointed out the rest of the film’s title, “Conquers The Martians!”, to which my offspring laughed heartily, as if I was making a joke.
True, Santa Claus Conquers The Martians is a joke -- and a bad one at that -- but it has nevertheless achieved a cult status that is practically unparalleled by any other competitor. The story (Martians kidnap Santa Claus over Christmas envy) is ludicrous at best, and the special effects are so bottom of the barrel that I dare say even Ed Wood shook his head in disbelief upon seeing this film (granted, such a move could have probably been attributed to his alcoholism at the time… and, mind you, I have absolutely no way of proving what I just said… I’m just going by what my cat told me, people!).
I suppose the big question to all MST3K fans (aside from the previously submitted “Why?” question) is “Does the Cinematic Titanic crew succeed in riffing Santa Claus Conquers The Martians all over again with entirely different jokes this time around?”
 Oh, hellz yeah, it does!
“Jingle bells, jingle bells, I wish I had a gun!” Santa Claus Conquers The Martians is without a doubt the best CT release yet! The jokes fly fast and furiously, and manage to bring in such modern elements as Perez Hilton and John McCain into their mix (satisfying the cravings of everyone). I was in hysterics from the very beginning (in which Trace screams “O-o-ooh, no!” in that familiar Crow T. Robot-esque voice and promptly runs away in fear when the title of the movie is announced by the CT crew’s “captors”), and the laughs just kept coming (for me as well as the riffers themselves -- several jokes get them going). In fact, the laughs kept coming so hard that I was seriously in pain from-a-hootin’ and-a-hollerin’ -- I actually had to stop the movie about mid-way through in an effort to avoid any unwarranted trips to the Emergency Room.
Cinematic Titanic: Santa Claus Conquers The Martians most deservedly gets a ***** rating!
(As a side note to those of you out there that will appreciate this: that’s the silhouette and unmistakable voice of Dave “Gruber” Allen as one of the gang’s “captors”, using his alias, Todd Carlin.)
Both Legacy Of Blood and Santa Claus Conquers The Martians are available for purchase or download via the official Cinematic Titanic website, cinematictitanic.com, along with the previous CT installments, The Oozing Skull, Doomsday Machine, and The Wasp Woman (all of which are required viewing). Now, downloads (despite being ethereal) are all fine and dandy and such, but I’m more of the obsessive-compulsive perfectionist type, hence, I urge you to buy the actual physical DVD versions which, in addition to actually being tangible, come with artwork. Anybody expecting high-quality audio and video on these DVDs should lower their standards: these aren’t so much “retail releases” as they are “episodes on disc”… but that doesn’t (nor should it ever) prevent you from enjoying these new comic masterpieces.
Thanks, Cinematic Titanic, and please -- by all means -- keep up the jolly good work!
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