|
Horror films - in fact, any genre of film for that matter - isn't as passive an activity as some people would lead you to believe.
One key to a horror movie's success is strong characters that are able to evoke sympathy from you and me, the viewing audience. Of course, this doesn't happen for the most part, and the genre is dominated by characters that are best described as cannon fodder for the meat wagon. Once in awhile, a writer will slip up and ask you to identify with characters that you don't want to associate with, even hypothetically, either by being generally unpleasant, dunderheaded or a combination thereof.
I present to you my list. It is a small list, but that is because, throughout my travels, I have been forced to sell my vast collection of DVDs in order to purchase food - and I regret every single disc sold. These characters bring nothing but sadistic, near sexual pleasure from me as I slowly watch their eviscerations unfold on the small screen. I don't just watch them, I rewind and play them over and over again in a fetishistic manner, like an instant replay of a football injury, or a bat going to the crotch on America's Funniest Home Videos.
I don't like these characters. And I hope you don't like these characters, too.
 Dan Hicks as Jake in Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn
Unlike the rest of the entries on this list, Jake is lovably retarded, but that doesn't excuse his horror movie crimes, mainly consisting of ignoring everything Ashley J. Williams says, despite the fact that Ash knows exactly what's going on and can exposition all over the place. Oh, a spooky ghost magically appears to warn the group about the coming of the deadites? Doesn't matter to Jake, who insists on dragging everyone into the woods after his sister goes “missing” (read: raped by trees). Jake's one of cinema's great hicks: stupid, toothless and without a shred of self-awareness. When I say “he should have died quicker,” I don't mean I wanted to see him die as quickly as possible in the context of the film's running time, I just mean that as a character, it's amazing that he managed to make it past the age of, say, 14.
Give Me The Disgusting Details Of His Demise
A transvestite undead Ted Raimi pulls old Jake to his doom, which is a bit of an anticlimax, considering what leads up to his death: Annie, the female star of the film, manages to stab Jake with the serrated ceremonial dagger before dragging him to the living room, yelling at him the entire time for her fuck-up. Dude can't get a break, even when he's bleeding like a stuck pig.
 Karl Hardman as Harry Cooper in Night Of The Living Dead
In a perfect world, Harry Cooper would be the champion of Night Of The Living Dead. Outside of his zombified daughter lurking in the basement, he's generally got the right idea: everyone should be hiding out underground until help arrives. But because Harry is such an undeniable cockflop about it, he doesn't even reach the level of anti-hero. In fact, by the end of the film when the undead have managed to break into the stronghold, Ben ends up hiding out in the basement anyway. However, Harry's already dead at that point and doesn't even get the smug “I Told You So” moment that he actually deserves. That's what you get for not being a team player Harry, you douche.
So When Does He Push The Daisies?
'Ol Hare gets his karmic comeuppance a little less than ninety minutes into the pictures, but by that point the shit's already hit the fan thanks to George Romero's inescapable pessimism. The real tragedy here is Harry's wife Helen, who meets her gristly (not grisly, gristly) end at the hands of their daughter, but then again she also had to put up with Harry for the duration of what I'm guessing was a far from spectacular family life, pre-Armageddon, so her death was probably a welcome change of pace in her lifestyle.
Sean William Scott as Billy Hitchcock in Final Destination
I don't actually have a problem with the character. I just want to see Sean William Scott die.
How Long Does It Take For Him To Die?
The answer is always “not soon enough.”
 Erica Leerhsen as Erica Geerson in Book Of Shadows: Blair Witch 2
While the entire film can honestly be filed under the so bad it's good category (meaning it's unintentional), there is one thing that Blair Witch 2 got unequivocally correct, and that is the Wiccan character Erica Geerson. From her introduction all the way up to her death, Erica strikes that perfect note by ensuring that every conversation, every single line of dialogue and every waking moment of her existence is enveloped in just how goddamn Wicca she is. Completing the cliché by stretching into the realms of sexual ambiguity in the second act, the only thing that would make the character even more believable is if she were a fat, awkward 15-year-old in High School. Okay, you're Wiccan. Shut up.
How Long Does She Last?
Erica goes “missing” by the hour mark, but her body doesn't turn up until a staggering, tension-building hour and eight minutes. Here's a fun fact for you: Erica is hotter as a corpse than she is alive. Maybe it's how much paler she is as a corpse because that's my thing, or maybe it's her inability to keep blabbing on about her personal religious beliefs, and how “the man” has been portraying witchcraft in such a negative light in the media for the past two hundred-plus years..
 Paul A. Partain as Franklin Hardesty in The Texas Chain Saw Massacre
Tobe Hooper, whose career has mostly been a fluke, created something special with The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, and did something especially impressive, which was to make you hate the handicapped. Even his introduction makes you cringe, as Franklin is wheeled down a ramp, and left to piss into a coffee can by the side of the road. It only goes downhill from there, as Franklin spends the most of his time whining, complaining and blowing raspberries at his sister for dragging him along for a seemingly normal road trip that turns into a bloodbath. Franklin is a wholly unsympathetic creature, to the point where he makes you want to hide outside of your local supermarket and wait for someone to park in the handicapped spot, just so you can run up and kick the person exiting the car.
Warwick Davis wheelchairing around while chasing Jennifer Aniston in Leprechaun was more sympathetic, and he was the killer.
When Does He Kick The Bucket?
The chainsaw hits its target at exactly 52 minutes and 12 seconds, Leatherface thankfully dispatches Franklin, saving the viewing public from having to listen to him complain for the rest of the film. You know what? I have many family and friends who are both mentally and physically disabled, and yet I still don't have any sympathies for the likes of Franklin. He's the kind of cripple who would throw all of his emotional problems on you - it's not his fault that his legs don't work, and now you have to deal with it. Fuck Franklin.
I'm glad he's dead.
I'm glad they're all dead.
|
