|
<< Prev | Page 1 | Page 2
15) Wild, Wild West
At one time, Will Smith was instant box office gold. Throw his smiling, rapping, Safe And Cuddly Black Man image on a movie poster and you just knew that flick was going to rake in a lot of dough (and would probably be a lot of fun in the process). Sure, he always had people who hated him, but the hate rolled off that playa's back like cliché goes here. With Wild, Wild West, though, even Smith's biggest supporters had to admit that he was capable of opening up a big bag of suck. Terrifically awful in every way, not even Salma Hayek (who would ooze sexuality even if soaked in urine and pinned beneath a flaming nine-car pileup) managed to make this train wreck worth watching.
-- Eric San Juan
|
 |
14) Barb Wire
The only time I have seen Barb Wire was on its 500th rerun on The Sci-Fi Channel in 1998. Hacked up, edited, ripped to shreds, pan-and-scanned, my biggest complaint about the film is that just like the actual film itself, I did not reach a proper, satisfying climax. I predict that within the next five years, all Vivid Video releases will look like this movie, only less ridiculous and featuring actresses with smaller breasts.
-- John Felix
|
 |
13) Exit To Eden
The truest testament to Exit To Eden's sucktitude is that people still have bondage fantasies. Obviously those people haven’t seen this film, since it's safe to say that anyone who might have had interest in bondage either lost that interest or turned gay in response to seeing Rosie O’Donnell in leather. That being the largest (pun intended) issue with the film, Rosie's leather-clad presence has two benefits. First, it guaranteed no one would see the film. Second, it assured no one would have to suffer through its lame and unfunny jokes. Of course, some people actually did watch her talk show… I take back what I said. If you have seen this film, then you were already gay to begin with or you couldn’t find the remote control you were probably sitting on. I can only offer my condolences for the latter.
-- Shawn McLoughlin
|
 |
|
12) Hercules In New York
This film is gayer than gay porn. And I watch gay porn.
--JFelix
A young Governator walking around New York City in next to nothing, spouting goofy dialogue with a goofy overdubbed voice? (Few things are more hilarious than hearing a rich, clear-speaking voice come out of Arnold's mouth.) And I need to explain why this is on the Suckiest list?
-- Eric San Juan
|
 |
11) Look Who's Talking Too
The shrill and obnoxious Roseanne Barr-Arnold-Hinckley Jr.-Hitler stars in a film where she plays a shrill and obnoxious baby. John Felix stars in an Internet column where he pretends to remember the last time he saw any of the Look Who’s Talking films and didn’t feel the urge to throw a vodka bottle at the television screen. Remember how awesome Elias Koteas was as Casey Jones in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? That motherfucker was always on.
-- John Felix
|
 |
10) Street Fighter
Somewhere, in some part of the afterlife or netherworld of whatever the hell you believe in, Raul Julia is weeping. He is weeping because Street Fighter was the big screen motion picture with which he finished his career. Yet feel not alone, Raul. We all weep with you. Street Fighter is an embarrassment of embarrassment, to this day the only film I’ve ever walked out on, a movie so bad it transcends what bad truly is. Let’s face it, you expect bad from something starring Jean-Claude Van Damme – but this was just over the top. It’s difficult to put into words how bad this is … just know that I am uncontrollably weeping at the memory of this travesty even as I type this.
-- Eric San Juan
|
 |
9) Glitter
Glitter. Yeah, you know Glitter, starring Mariah Carey, she of total and complete mental breakdowns? Few films are worse than this. It's completely forgettable, derivative, and bland in every way. It even manages to take the biggest whack job of diva whack jobs (yes, even more of a whack job than Whitney) and make her seem mundane. Mariah “Nervous Breakdown” Carey, mundane! Her acting? Oh, ya, no, she's very bad at it. Bubblegum music + rehashed story, bad acting, and worse dialogue = a horrible film.
-- Eric Preston
|
 |
8) Howard The Duck
Duck tits, Lea Thompson as an 80s rocker, and child molester Jeffrey Jones. This is what Howard the Duck, a spectacularly poor film with no concept of what a “target market” is, has going for it. Unfortunately, there isn’t much else. Whereas the film starts off brilliantly stupid, it ends as just another boring Aliens clone (if it was mixed with retarded DNA) followed by a stupid rock concert. It is a fair assumption that the phrase “fuck a duck” became exponentially less funny (and in fact more insulting) after this film. George Lucas pretends he didn’t have any involvement here, but anyone who has seen it knows at least this: It is more entertaining than The Phantom Menace. And it does shave one thing no other movie has… Duck tits. Admit it, you’re intrigued.
-- Shawn McLoughlin
|
 |
7) Blues Brothers 2000
Fuck the fucking mother fuckers who fucking thought fucking revisiting the fucking classic fucking film that the fuck is the fucking Blues Brothers was a good fucking idea. Fuck them in their mother fucking fucking asses.
-- Eric San Juan
|
 |
6) Pearl Harbor
Oh, for the love of god, give me a break. Somebody please ask Michael Bay how he managed to take one of the monumental events of the 20th Century and turn it into a sappy, overlong, cliché-ridden, trying-way-too-hard-to-be-epic, bloated, overblown, Jesus-I-can’t-stand-it-anymore turd of this magnitude. Sure, sure, Bay’s flair for insanely perfect production is certainly on display here, but everything else is just garbage. Jon Voight’s FDR is laughably melodramatic, they put way too much makeup on the otherwise gorgeous Kate Beckinsale (how about letting us see her face through all that paint?), and Ben Affleck is enough to make any man want to do murder. Throw in a badly-directed love triangle, an hilarious bar fight that belongs in a wacky 60s comedy, and heavy-handed drama that makes Stephen Spielberg look like the most subtle director of the last 30 years and guess what? You have a whole harbor full of suck on your hands.
-- Eric San Juan
|
 |
5) Leonard Part 6
Take Bill Cosby and place him in a movie nowhere near the style of material he usually deals with. Then make him ride an ostrich and fight off evil dancing vegetarians with a hot dog and hamburger patties. Further alienate and confuse the audience by allowing them to think they actually missed Leonard Parts one through five. Finally, date the film even more by including references to Jane Fonda workout tapes, St. Elsewhere, and piles of product placement. This is what Leonard Part 6 is. It’s really impossible to summarize any further since its badness exists entirely on a level all its own. It warrants viewing simply for how surreal it is. Even the Cos knows this, since he actually showed up to accept his Razzie Award. You would think he would learn from that award – but then he made Ghost Dad.
-- Shawn McLoughlin
|
 |
4) Kazaam
Shaquille O'Neal as a rapping genie. Shaquille O'Neal as a rapping genie. Shaquille O'Neal as a rapping genie. Shaquille O'Neal as a rapping genie. Shaquille O'Neal as a rapping genie. Shaquille O'Neal as a rapping genie. Shaquille O'Neal as a rapping genie. Shaquille O'Neal as a rapping genie. Shaquille O'Neal as a rapping genie. Shaquille O'Neal as a rapping genie. Shaquille O'Neal as a rapping genie. Shaquille O'Neal as a rapping genie. Shaquille O'Neal as a rapping genie. Shaquille O'Neal as a rapping genie. Shaquille O'Neal as a rapping genie. Shaquille O'Neal as a rapping genie. Shaquille O'Neal as a rapp- Fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!
-- John Felix
|
 |
3) Super Mario Bros.: The Movie
This film was released when I was just 12 years old. I actually sat through it twice, managing to fall asleep on both occasions. Even at the young age of 12, it was absolutely baffling to me that Nintendo would push for this film when The Wizard, another Nintendo circle-jerk that I had to see as a child, sunk like a rock. So where did Super Mario Brothers go wrong? Was it the fact that the film was live action? Was it the fact that Dennis Hopper was off cocaine during filming? I lay the blame squarely on giving the Mario Brothers' last name. Mario Mario? Fuck you, Nintendo.
-- John Felix
|
 |
2) Batman & Robin
The fact that Warner Bros.' Batman series started out so well only makes the embarrassing levels of suck present in this sucky bit of homoerotic cinema all the more disappointing. We had a cool Batman and cool villains and all sorts of cool superhero action – and then Joel Schumacher came along. Sure, Batman Forever was pretty bad, but at least Tommy Lee Jones and Jim Carrey were entertaining. It even had Nicole “She Makes Me Drool On Myself” Kidman. For Batman & Robin, though, Schumacher pulled out all the stops. And by “pulled out all the stops” I mean “went totally gay.” Erect Batman nipples, bulging codpieces, George “I could only be more full of myself if I was Sean Penn” Clooney and some of the goofiest set pieces this side of a cheap porn make Batman & Robin one of the worst films ever made.
-- Eric San Juan
|
 |
1) Battlefield Earth
John Travolta’s magnum opus on Hubbardology includes all sorts of cool things – war-mongering aliens, laser guns, battles, spaceships, rebellion, explosions, dreadlocks – and yet manages to be so far from cool it makes words like “dope” and “fresh” seem cutting edge. What a load of crap this thinly veiled Travolta version of The Passion Of The Christ is. When George Lucas’ hokey Jedi nonsense is more believable than Travolta’s very real hokey nonsense (both being the spiritual basis at the core of their respective sci-fi films) you know there is a problem. Way to wreck all the good will Pulp Fiction earned you, John! Never push this crap on the public again. The people of  think your film has more suck than any other film ever made. And for you, well, that news has got to suck. Now fuck the fuck off!
-- Eric San Juan
|
 |
<< Prev | Page 1 | Page 2
|
