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In reading this series, I’m sure it seems like we watched all of these movies in the space of a month, but that’s not the case at all. Mrs. C and I were going through these films at a pretty brisk pace until we finished The Velvet Vampire. Then we hit a snag.
It turned out that getting hold of a copy of Young Lady Chatterley, film number five in this fools errand, was easier said than done. Not to mention, the holidays fell smack in the middle of my trying to locate it and Mrs. C’s grandparents were staying with us for a couple of weeks.
While I can’t say for sure, I would venture that nothing would be a bigger erection killer than having your wife’s grandfather walk down in the middle of a softcore 70s flick and decide to take in the film with you. So we avoided that scenario entirely and suddenly two months had gone by without us watching the last film.
If it wasn’t for  ’s owner and editor deciding to run the series, I may never have gotten the kick in the ass I needed to get this film. That would have been a shame because this turned out to be the best film of the bunch.
 Film Number Five: Young Lady Chatterley
How I remember it
Young Lady Chatterley holds a special place in my heart. At 15, I had never, ever entertained the idea that two women could have sex. Yes. I was sheltered. Seriously though, that thought had never entered my mind. Young Lady Chatterley changed all of that with one scene and led to many sleepless nights, waiting for it to start at 2:00 a.m. so I could watch just that one, very, very special encounter.
Additionally, I happened to think the maid who seduced young Ms. Chatterley was one of the hottest things to walk the earth. Oh, and there was more sex than just that one scene. If I remember right, this thing was almost one hundred percent wall-to-wall sex. Which brings up an interesting conundrum. Mrs. C. has been enjoying the other movies based on their comedy, poor attempts at comedy or the filmmakers’ complete ineptitude.
If I remembered Young Lady Chatterley correctly, it wasn’t a funny movie. It had a plot and it was well made. How would Mrs. C. react to this?
There was only one way to find out.
 The Viewing
My wife was fiddling around on the laptop looking at lamps when she was supposed to be chilling on the couch watching this. So, I took time to watch the special features while she continued to avoid her duty. This was all a well thought out strategy because while I watched the trailers, she could see them and hear them from her seat at the kitchen table. I honestly believe that the trailers were what sucked her in.
Trailer 1 – The highbrow approach: Stills from the movie showing nothing but roses, shots of the actress from the shoulders up and an occasional scene of the countryside cascade slowly across the screen while a female announcer (with a voice radiating class) explains that this movie is not some x-rated fuckfest. The final words spoken are, “Young Lady Chatterley – X like you’ve always wanted it to be.”
Trailer 2 – The lowbrow approach: Shots of the movie are cut together and an announcer (a man with a voice reminiscent of Eb Dawson from Green Acres) narrates. While at first it sounds like he’s focused on the merits of the plot, it soon devolves into how “good she is to the help”. Then, the announcer begins a running tally of everyone she has sex with in the film including the line, “And to prove that she believes in equal opportunity she even includes the maid.”
 Within moments of the second trailer finishing, my wife was on the couch, glass of wine in hand and actually started the film before I could poor my own drink.
The story is simple. The young great niece of Lady Chatterley (yes, the one from D.H. Lawrence’s book but spelled differently for some reason) finds out that she has inherited the estate. It is heavily mortgaged and she needs to sell it unless she can somehow pay the taxes, etc. by the end of the month. Realizing she doesn’t have the money, she decides to spend a weekend there just to see what could have been. She soon discovers her Great Aunt’s diary and begins a wondrous journey of self-discovery.
In other words, if it moves, she fucks it. However all of this is actually handled with a good amount of class. The elder Chatterley’s diary entries are presented as flashbacks and we see her relationship with the gardener bloom (no pun intended). The script is actually good for the most part and the acting is also superb. Really, there are very few holes that can be found in this film.
Well, at least none that aren’t filled quickly. (Yes, that was a cheap one I know but it’s the last film. You have to allow me one or two.)
 Important points during the viewing:
Two minutes into the film, we get big English man-ass. It’s a flashback showing the first encounter between Lady Chatterley and her gardener/gamekeeper. He’s washing himself in front of his hut and she’s spying on him.
Mrs. C: Finally! We get to see a guy before we get to see the girls.
CaryC: Man-ass! We’re only two minutes into this and we get man-ass?
Mrs. C: OH! OH! He turned around!
CaryC: Fucking man-ass? What the hell?
Mrs. C: Full frontal!
CaryC: This is bullshit! I don’t remember any of this part.
The gamekeeper/gardener dude catches her and takes her into his hut. He then proceeds to bang the shit out of her.
CaryC: Oh yeah! Now I remember it.
Favorite line from this scene:
The gamekeeper looks at Lady Chatterley, pulls down her top and says, “When I see a woman’s nipples hard I like to think it’s because of me and not the chill in the air.” To which I replied, “Hey, he and I have something in common!” My wife came to grips with the importance she places on liking an actress’ hair when determining if a movie is sexy.
Mrs. C (upon first seeing Cynthia Chatterley with a perfectly styled Dorothy Hamill cut): Wow! Her hair is awesome. It looks perfect. That’s really cute.
CaryC: Whoa! Hold on! Think back to the first film (The Cheerleaders) and how much you bagged on the one cheerleader for her hair. Is that really the first thing you notice?
Mrs. C (gasps): Oh my god! It is! I have a hair fetish!
 The hair fetish came out again later in another flashback when she mentioned the gamekeeper’s sideburns, mustache and unkempt hair. I offered to grow out the sideburns but was soundly rejected.
The scene between the maid and Cynthia Chatterley is indeed still one of the hottest girl/girl scenes ever. Cynthia catches the maid fucking the gardener. Later, she goes to take her bath and the maid comes in to assist. Cynthia brings up the incident and begins to scold the girl for doing such a thing in the middle of the day when she should have been on duty. The maid, sponging down Cynthia begins talking about how hot the gardener is, but how he doesn’t last long enough for her. She then begins sponging other areas.
Mrs. C (during the sponging): Well, that’s a novel approach. I like the way they’re introducing this.
CaryC: What?
Mrs. C: The whole idea of using the sponge bath.
CaryC (as the maid climbs into the tub): That’s a novel approach also.
Mrs. C (laughing): You know what I meant.
CaryC (as the Cynthia begins sponging the maid): That’s also a novel approach.
Mrs. C (laughing): Yes, it is.
CaryC (as the maid begins kissing Cynthia): I also like this approach.
Mrs. C hits CaryC.
In the end though, Mrs. C said, “That was a very hot scene. The maid is pretty hot also.” At last one of my adolescent memories is validated. Mrs. C. expressed her dislike of fucking outdoors, especially in or near water. This is not a prudish thing. It’s more of a fear thing. In a flashback scene, the gardener and Lady Chatterley get it on next to a pond on the grounds of the estate.
Mrs. C: No, no, no. See, they’re ankle deep in muddy pond water. That doesn’t do it for me at all.
CaryC: Why?
Mrs. C: You don’t know what’s down there. Snakes, frogs… leeches…
CaryC (excitedly pointing to the screen as the camera pans from their feet up): HOLY SHIT! He’s getting a toehold! He’s going deep!
Mrs. C: Ugh! She’s going to get mud in her cooch!
CaryC: He must be shooting for a boy.
Mrs. C: Are you saying you didn’t get a toehold?
 During the set up for an orgy scene, participants are seated around a table and each begins staring at the person they’re most attracted to while slowly eating. The shots of the participants soon encompass only the mouths, sucking in food, licking it or chewing it erotically. This scene is one of the most unintentionally hilarious I have ever seen and it started to really get on Mrs. C’s nerves. It also goes on entirely too long. The symbolism practically hits you over the head. People are eating grapes, sucking their fingers or wrapping their lips around turkey legs.
CaryC: It’s balls and cock. Get it?
Mrs. C: Yes. Yes, I get it now please make it stop.
CaryC: Balls.
Mrs. C: Stop it please.
CaryC: Cock.
Mrs. C: Can you fast-forward this?
CaryC: Balls.
Mrs. C: Ahhhhh!!
CaryC: Cock.
Mrs. C: Stttooopppp iiiiittttt!!!
CaryC: Balls.
(this continued until the scene finally changed a full minute and a half later) Finally, the following exchange took place when this film ended.
Mrs. C: I could have watched thirty more minutes of that. That was actually a really good film.
CaryC: I’m glad you liked it.
Mrs. C: Get your ass upstairs.
 The Verdict
Young Lady Chatterley is indeed a good movie. Furthermore, it’s full of hot sex and almost none of it is played for lewdness. It’s done tastefully while still showing nearly everything (no penetration). This is indeed an accomplishment when you consider this movie is 100 minutes long and features a masturbation scene, an orgy scene, easily ten male/female sex scenes and the scene between the two girls.
My fifteen-year-old self loved this movie. My 39-year-old self loved it just as much and while Mrs. C and I definitely had our fun picking apart bits of the film, in the end we both enjoyed it.
So what have I learned from all of this? Well, absolutely nothing beyond what I already knew. I love good movies. I love bad movies. I love them all in different ways, much like Cynthia Chatterley loves her hired help.
That said (not to put too much of an “awwww, how sweet” ending to all of this) I rediscovered just how much I love watching movies with Mrs. C. Nine times out of ten, we watch movies separately because we have different tastes. She likes romantic comedies and I like horror films. Thanks to , we’ve discovered we both enjoy watching poorly made sex comedies and ripping them apart.
Thanks DIMP for enriching my marriage!
By the way, Young Lady Chatterley II has been put at the top of my Netflix queue now… at Mrs. C’s request.
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